Horselove

My baby girl LOVES HORSES! everything about them, but specifically being ON one. By herself. With no help.

 She wouldn't even let me ride (who also LOVES to ride) and she wouldn't even let me walk near her.

 She's 4~ and she doesn't live on a farm, and she's only ever been on a horse once before this with someone on it with her.

 My friend Kathryn has 3 girls, and her youngest just turned 4 and asked us to come.  When I found out it was a horse (technically a Green Horse) party then I knew it'd be worth my time to make it happen for us to be there.  I am so glad I ended up only bringing Creighton though.

She had a blast but needs to learn a few manners because she didn't want to share, didn't want to eat, didn't want to watch presents, didn't want cake and ice cream...nothing. Except to ride.  Well there were about 20 other kids there and only 3 saddled horses.  You do the math.

I had to pull her off crying with promises to come back.  I think my daughter will be a horse lover for life.  Enough so that she might just marry herself a cowboy :) I kinda love it because secretly I LOVE horses too and would love to just ride away on one. :)

Jackson's School Pics!

I am so glad that I immediately scanned this because when I came back in a little afterwards, Creighton had scribbled ALL OVER the picture.  I was very mad. She got very much in trouble. But I love the way they did this.  And you can see he's the tallest in his class by a few inches :) He's so cute!  (And I love that there are names on everything)

 My sweet Pre-Ker!!!! I love you John Jackson

So many reasons for joy today

Creighton pulled two chairs up to the window for her and Charleigh to be able to see out while they ate their breakfast.  It was too cute to pass up.

 My sweet girl's faces:) I LOVE their sweet friendship.  Creighton was at school all day today and Charleigh stayed home with me and she asked constantly "er way way" (where's Rae Rae?) :)

 Charleigh found this suitcase and decided she needed to open it up and play in it. It kept her entertained for a while :)

 LOVE this sweet face!

 Kari came and put this sold sign on the sign today! That's a huge praise.  It's been under contract for while now, but I guess everything is panning out and so she put that up. We were suppose to close April 4th but when our other house fell through, we pushed it back to April 15th (can't get rid of us just yet Bartlesville :))

 And one of my favorite sights to see in Spring! Our pretty tree as it turns purple with the kids' ladder hanging from it.  For some reason it just makes me happy! :) I love it. I will definitely miss it when we are gone, but for today, it brought me much joy!

In the midst of all the chaos, I needed to be reminded of the little things (and how they add up) that bring great joy to my heart.  It's so easy to be distracted by all negative/hard things so I decided to stop and take a picture for today so I could remember!

Change of plans

Friday we had inspections on "our new home" and apparently it's curb appeal was all it had going for it.  (not really, i still did like it).  But the inspections came back with an exorbitant amount of work/repair/replacements needing to be done.  So it's no longer our new home.

That was sad news to swallow.  But I am VERY thankful we know on this side of the contract that it needed so much work.  I was very concerned that we would be homeless (we were going to stay with my parents, so not completely) as of April 4th, but we found out that the people buying our house weren't moving in until the next week or so after closing and so we are hopefully going to get move our closing back to the 15th of April now :)  So we have a little bit longer to find a house and maybe we can close on or at least around the same date now! Yeah for not being homeless! ;)

I am quite certain that I have been in just about EVERY house in our price range in all of Bixby and Jenks and some of Broken Arrow.  Well, actually after tomorrow I will be.  We are looking at about 20 more houses tomorrow.  SURELY we'll find one, right?  Well, finding one isn't seeming to be the problem, it's finding THE ONE that is.  I hope its waiting for us tomorrow. :)

Wish me luck!

Under Construction....and contract

Well as my heart has been under construction with the Lord, He allowed us to go under contract on the house.  These past 2 months (to the day) have been nearly paralyzing to me at times.  I had no idea my faith was so weak, my will was so strong, and just how messed up I was.  It took waiting much longer than I ever had anticipated (and yet so short compared to so many people) to show me just how far I am from where I want to be, and even from where I thought I was.

I have never claimed to be perfect, but that has never stopped me from trying to be. I swear I think "perfectionism" and "control freak" should be a medically defined illness when it gets to the lengths, depths and breadth of where I had no idea I was.  I guess in my world I had become so accustomed to being in control that I had to be rocked in mighty ways to unravel the chains.

I am certain I am not out, and much like the dragon monster of addiction of any kind, I am certain I am not completely set free, as he would like nothing more than to entangle me once more.

Can you tell the Lord has been working mightily in my heart?  Oh He has. It's been ugly.  Just down right nasty at times, but He is Mighty and He didn't give up on me once, although I can't say the same about myself.

The crazy thing with me, is not only do I struggle with control and perfection, on the far other end of the spectrum there is a sad place (not that the other two aren't) called depression.  Oh how I despise the chains there more than just about any others.  I have found myself in the pit of despair and the chains of deep depression almost like some of the worst times in my life.  All over my impatience and short sighted selfish plan.

I suppose if the house for some reason gets out of contract and doesn't close that might be the true test to how much He accomplished in me, not of His ability, but the lack of my learning my lesson, and lack of faith.  But I am hoping that it doesn't, and if it does, I am hoping that I remember all of the ways in which He allowed deep refining, and the sweet promises He allowed me to hear, even though most of the time I wasn't listening.  I just have no idea where Creighton gets it :)


Anyway, when I typed out 2 months it seemed odd, because in the midst of it, it truly felt like a year or so.  I can't believe how crazy it sounds just to type it all out either.  It seems so trivial and such a short amount of time, but when you are in it, it so doesn't matter.

It's not really that I want to air out all my laundry for the world, but I've never been one to be fake or non-transparent.  I figure I learned so much in the past two months from others and so I should allow my story to be told just in case there is one person that might benefit.

One of the major visuals I received during the time of refining I am going to attempt to put in words. It was powerful...take it for what it's worth...

We were in the car. Charleigh hates the car with a fiery passion.  I was probably at the rock bottom depression of the entire time, I was driving (all 5 of us), and I just didn't have it in me to respond in any way to her.  So I just let her cry and scream.  All the while the Lord was knocking. He was saying, "Courtney, that's you."  I said sarcastically "thanks."  But He prodded my heart with the following: At first I was like yeah, okay. I hear her, you hear me.  I don't know what she wants and I can't do anything about it right now.  So how is that the same. YOU KNOW Lord. You know what I want, you know my hearts desires.  Oh yeah, and YOU CAN do something about it, but you just aren't, so how is this similar?  Well, after I got more mad at how He was just calling me a baby (although I totally was being one), I kept listening, because He wasn't finished.
He continued with: Courtney, I do know the desires of your heart.  And I am working on it, just like you are working on getting Charleigh home so she can get out of the car.  That's what she wants, and you do know that.

And then, as if that wasn't enough...He said if Charleigh wanted to go in the street full of traffic and you stopped her, she might cry and throw a fit.  You can hold her and tell her you love her best you can, but no matter what you aren't ever going to let her go in the street full of traffic.  So even though you know what she wants and YOU CAN let her do that, you won't, because it's not what is best, or even good for her at the moment and maybe not ever.  So, yes I know your heart, I love you, I am holding you, but I just can't do exactly what you think you want right this minute, but I will when I can, when it's perfect.

And HE DID.

My compassionate kids

The other day Jeff had the big kids and they were walking on the Pathfinder while Charleigh and I rested at home.  Creighton saw some trash and just started picking it up.  Thankfully she eventually found a bag so she didn't keep cramming it all against her body and clothing.  Jeff opened it up and she filled it and eventually 2 other bags were filled too as it became a contest to see who could pick up the most trash!  Cool kids of mine.  :)

On the same said adventure, they ran into a man.  Jeff said he looked homeless, but later realized he wasn't completely as he did have an apartment where he slept.  Anyway, along the way they were talking (and picking up trash) and the man mentioned in his story that he didn't have a family and hadn't since he was about 8 years old.  Jeff told me Jackson was in front of them walking, but listening intently to the story.  When the man was telling this to Jeff, Jackson began to pray for the man.  He prayed he would find a family and that the Lord would give him a new family.  I love his compassion for people.  He feels peoples hurts and has for a majority of his short life thus far.  Jeff didn't ask him to pray or mention it at all, but Jackson felt compelled to ask with the sweetest childlike faith that the Creator of the Universe would provide this man a family.  I'm humbled by his faith...oh that we'd remember to come before the throne as a child, and so quickly...he didn't ask dad what to do or a friend or his sister...he didn't try to comfort the man first, he hit the throne... I am a proud momma...I just wish I would learn to do things in that order with his confidence in God.

Tonight as I was getting the kids ready for bed and after we read a book I asked them what they wanted to pray for. Jackson just kept "thinking" but couldn't ever come up with anything. So I asked him if he would pray for me.  He asked why. I told him I was just really tired and sad because I missed Daddy.  He decided at first he didn't want to pray at all, but about 4 minutes later was out and ready to pray with me, for me.  He prayed the sweetest prayer I've ever heard.  I think he took those few minutes and just mulled over my sadness. I forget how tender his heart is.  He literally interceded on my behalf to the Father for exactly what I asked for.

I just love these sweet kids of mine...all of them.  Oh that I would remember so clearly these days...these moments. May they be etched on my heart forever....

Thank you Lord for my sweet babies!

New Sweet Friendships

We've made some friends at New Beginnings! :) The part-time guy that has been at New Beginnings for 5 years is an amazing young dad of 3 of the cutest kids! His name is Matt and I am so excited that our kids are all around the same ages.  Creighton and Mati are a few months apart and have formed a very sweet little friendship! Creighton and Mati played and played and played nonstop!!!!!

 Brooks just turned 8 this month and Chandler and Jackson are only a few months apart.  Brooks is sweet to play with just about everyone....that kid is awesome!  Jackson and Chandler really like playing together, especially video games and rough housing! ;) Jeff of course was in on the action and EVERYONE had a great time!

 After dinner (and after Charleigh went down) we calmed things down with MOVIE TIME! They all were so cute and had so much fun.  6 kids within 7 years of each other under 8 was a little crazy, but never not fun! :) It was easier than I thought though...they entertained themselves for the most part!  We had them all together for almost 10 hours!

I am so grateful for these sweet kids who have accepted my kids as their friends...and likewise.  It's the beginning of a great relationship on all ends.  We are getting to know Matt as well and I love that Jeff has a friend in Matt as well!  Sweet times...

Weary soul, I am

I am struggling big time. I have my "big girl panties" in a very tight wad right now.  I am in a funk and I can't seem to kick it...even though I am trying very hard.  I am tired and that is never a good combination with anything for me.  So the fact that I am insanely tired and struggling with insomnia during the most drastic change we've EVER made (at least in the past 8 years) is creating quite the stinky funk.  I know the Lord is dealing with me, and I do know He is being more patient with me than I am with Him.  I just don't get His plan and His timing. I know that's not a part of faith or trust and certainly was never promised to me in life.  Typically though I am pretty good at seeing things, at realizing the bigger picture involved, being discerning.  But not right now.  I can't see much past my own selfish desires and lack of faith and trust.  I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, give up, and make it all go away.  But I can't.  We're in it.  We've started.  It's hard.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I never imagined it being this hard.  I just knew that God would have all the details in line just the way I wanted and saw fit.  He didn't.  Not one.  It's not pretty. It's not tied in a cute bow with the perfect ending.  At least not yet.  And maybe not ever.  Why am I 30 and just figuring this out?  Why am I so selfish and completely the most impatient person on the face of the planet?  I don't know.

I don't have many answers most days.  I feel trapped in this in-between world between Bixby and Bartlesville.  I miss my husband. I am so silly for feeling this way I know because I KNOW that some people have terrible horrible situations that I can't fathom like death, war, divorce, etc and they never see theirs and I shouldn't complain. I know. But at the same time, I still miss him.  I feel far from him. I don't like being far away. I love him. I love doing ministry TOGETHER, not apart.  We can only do limited ministry at best from far away.

I have gotten to go on a few lunch dates with some Bixbians (is that a word...is Bartian?) Anyway, those have been good, but only wet my taste and make me want it all the more.

Ugh. I am so in a funk that's its hard to not dwell on all the negatives.  I know there are positives. I do.  It's just hard to see them when you FEEL down.

I went house hunting on Tuesday in Bixby and fell in love.  They say you shouldn't do that. I now know why.  It sold that afternoon.  I was crushed and haven't fully recovered.  The house was perfect.  Literally perfect.  Part of me thinks well God has another in store that's better, but that's not a promise anywhere in the bible.  I am pretty sure it's called materialism on my part.

Prayers are appreciated.  Not really for blessing or for the house to sell but that the Lord would continue to work out in me all of my impurities.  That I'd stop being selfish and that I'd learn more and more what it looks like to look like Him. I am tired of looking like me. I am tired of sounding like me.

I was so frustrated with Creighton today because she was acting completely horrible, whining and pouting, talking like a baby, being unreasonable, unmanageable, irrational, and down right just was infuriating me at every turn.

Thanks for that one Lord.  So, I get it. That's how you see me...only you are patient even still with me.  I am humbled Lord. Thank you for showing me. I am sorry it took so long to figure it out.  Thanks for loving me through it. Help me to hear you better the first time and to obey.  Help me Lord. Use me and make me yours.  I don't get it. I don't understand.  But I do. I trust you.  I know you have a plan and I want THAT ONE, not mine.

Oh, I am so a mess.  He loves me anyway...

Our first home...

This was our very first home that we purchased!  Currently we the bank  still own it.  But prayerfully not for long.  We will be moving to Bixby as soon as this sells.  

5119 Lynn Rd has been the best house for us. It fit our needs perfectly in every way and we couldn't have been happier with our house.  These pics are just for memory sake, although with the exception of showings and open houses, it NEVER looked like this :)

 our living room.  hosted up to 47 teens at one time :) it was like sardines, but so fun during the summer Reel Time events

 This was once the nursery that both Jackson and Creighton slept in.  Then it was just Creighton's room, and then it was hers and Charleighs, although Charleigh hasn't slept one night in her entire lifetime in it, and currently Jackson and Creighton are both sharing it.

 This was once the guest room/office. Then it was Jackson's room when Creighton came along, and currently Charleigh sleeps in the crib and no one in the bed...she hasn't had good nights in a long time...

 This bathroom was the only room we didn't paint until this month. It was red...it was nice. But they wanted neutral.  So, they got neutral.  All the kids' first baths were in that tub (well their first real baths anyway). :) Jackson and Creighton learned to potty train on that toliet!

 The kitchen! Fun times.  I really like this kitchen actually.  We ate family meals here and prayed.  We fed lots of youth and leaders here too! We played endless amounts of card games and endless amounts of chit chat, both incredibly important and mere chit chat conversations.

 Another shot of the living room. :)

 Our oversized Master bedroom that I will miss OH so much. It was so big! I loved it.

The beloved sunroom that has spoiled us to no end.  It was massive and we LOVED it.  We used it almost every single day for something. It has been so many things the last 6+ years.  Guest room/library/playroom/gameroom...you name it, it's been it.   We loved spring and fall when we could just open up all the windows and feel the amazing breeze!  The kids could play and we could see them easily.   

 Oh the deck...grilling, cards, parties, picnics and everything else galore.  When we "lived" here it had padding blue, green, yellow and red all over it!  So fun!

 Our 2nd bathroom, in the master.  Great oversized closet, vanity and shower areas!  Love it.

We just came home from a showing and it's amazing how much we love this house. Its in optimal condition and we just love it and so it makes it hard to want to sell it.  We will miss this house for sure.

PS if you know anyone needing a house in bartlesville it's offered for $109,900  So many fun memories here for us....we can't wait for someone else to love it and live in it as much as we did!

Snow Pics

I didn't really take these kind of pics the first go 'round of Snowmagedden 2011, but this time I felt like I should document the massive amounts of snow that we did get.  The very next morning up here in Bartlesville, we set National Weather records of -28 degree temps for all of Oklahoma.  It's nuts.  I felt transplanted...unwillingly.

 If you look close against the back fence you can see the kids sand box (well the top foot of it or so)

 This poor glass table showed it off perfectly.  Before the second round came, I had personally scraped off every piece snow/ice off the deck and all the amenities...so that is only from the second snow! :(

 This picture doesn't seem to do justice to the snow on the roof, I must have caught it at a weird angle.

 The walkway was completely cleared (as was the driveway) and you can't even tell what is what right now.

It just seems so surreal.  And now in just a few days our temps will be in the mid 70s....only in Oklahoma people! Only in Oklahoma.

Oh yeah, and for the record...it makes it REALLY difficult to sell a house in this!

Bits and Pieces of the Berg's SNOWmagedden 2011

 This was in the middle of the Blizzard snow and winds.  I had my mask on and took it off for the picture,  terrible mistake!  I am glad everyone else kept theirs on!  They played hard and built an awesome IGLOO

 Little bit did NOT get to go outside this time! It was too terribly cold and windy.

 Creighton and Jackson wanted to dress up.  Jackson's tux is a 4T and incredibly too small for him, but everything fit someone on his body :)  CHeck out those serious high waters!  And I didn't even know he put my shoes on till I saw the pictures.

 They came out and danced but since we were all stir crazy I went all out on Creighton's hair and she even got the special treat of makeup!  She looked too old, but beautiful nonetheless! :)

 I really liked her hair and it was a quick job too! (like 5 minutes)

 Taylor and Chris were snowed in with us!

 Creighton then wanted a special dance with her Daddy to the Taylor Swift song...it was so cute. I was grinning ear to ear the whole time!

 Here is the igloo from the outside and below is the kids INSIDE the igloo standing up! I could almost stand up, but not all the way. It was great! I took a "time out" for about an hour in there one day :)  that was awesome!

 We did a multitude of crafts this week.  I didn't get many pictures of them though. They were SOOO messy. My kitchen was a wreck!  Charleigh likes being right in the middle of everything!

 I made SUPER YUMMY lemon candy.  This is right after I shattered it before I put in the bag.

 I was assigned to make playdoh for Creighton's class...I must say I make the best and softest playdoh in the world :)

 Then we made sugar cookies to decorate...that was a big hit. How can it not be?!

 Jax wanted blue icing and Rae wanted Purple. I LOVE it!

 Charleigh got a small cookie and just made a big mess and surprisingly didn't eat any of it!

 While we were busy doing this Daddy set up the fire! It was nice!

 Their finished products!

I am blessed with 3 beautiful children and a warm home and a loving husband.  I did more than my fair share of complaining and going insane this week, but it really wasn't so bad :) There were moments for sure I thought I might literally need to put in a padded room for me, but we all survived and made some sweet memories!