I don't know what it is about me...but I know that I can't handle death well. I think I allow myself to feel too much compassion (is that possible, I don't think so) (maybe I am just not wording it well)...but I allow myself to be in their shoes "too much" and without the Grace of God that HAS.TO.BE. the ONLY thing that allows people to take another breath. My heart feels as if it weighs 8 tons. There are so many things and so many people hurting and dying. I just can barely take it. So, part of me wants not to feel, not to imagine what it must feel like, and ask all the questions, to put myself there one more second, but I know that can't be right either.
I came across Julian from a couple of blogs and I read his story and then he passed away this week. I just don't know how parents do it. I just don't. **you can go to www.carepages.com and sign up (with an email) and type in juliansworld (all one word) to hear updates and hear his mom's heart...what a cute and sweet little 4 year old boy!
There is also a lady in our church who is pregnant with a little girl who (unless a miracle happens) will not likely make it very long from the womb (if that).
Then, Christy tells her story of Phoenix and it breaks me again.
There are COUNTLESS stories, countless people, that I know or have come across, and even within my family that are going through this right now. I find myself on my knees begging, pleading that the Lord would have other roads, other trials for me to face, but to please never let me walk the road of losing a child. I don't know how I'd do it. I know that God is big, and big enough, but I fear...I fear this.
My heart is so hurting....how do they do it? How do you breathe? How do you get up in the morning? How?
I know that all hurting is here because sin entered the world and allowed man and the land to be cursed...how I long for the return of the Savior so we have no more hurt and no more tears...
6 comments:
I had to stop reading blogs about the passing of children and such, because I couldn't take it! The thought of losing a child, of losing The Boy, is too much for me to handle right now.
Oh Courtney, do I completely understand what you are saying. It is SO VERY painful to watch others who are hurting. Compassion, however, is a great gift from God. Even though it hurts, it allows you to enter the pain and trial with whomever it is that is hurting at the time. It can be such a bonding experience. It is so much easier to avoid the pain than to enter it, but what would God want us to do??? Unfortunately, many times, I myself have chosen to avoid it out of my own selfish "uncomfortableness".(not sure that is a word)
Thankfully God is now teaching me many lessons about walking "through the pain" with those around me.
I recently read on a blog, written by a family that had lost their child, that so often in losing a child - one becomes more holy and closer to God. What a horrible price to pay to gain a closer relationship with our Creator ... or so it seems, from my mortal perspective.
Because of blogging, I have come across so many families (too many) that have lost children. Many of the families struggled for YEARS to become pregnant and maybe lost the pregnancy - or gave birth prematurely and lost the baby (or babies). Then there are those families that have lost an older child. Last year, I read about a 5-year old that drowned in a neighbor's pool.
There are no words to express the grief that you feel for the surviving members of the family. But you also feel fear ... what if that were to happen to me? What if my family were to experience such a devastating loss? How would I function?? It truly is my worst nightmare that something would happen to one of my family members and something that I would prefer to not think about. Although, in thinking about something terrible like that possibly happening, it certainly makes me enjoy the moment that I have now *that* much more.
Life is extremely fragile and very precious. Things can change in an instant, that's why you must enjoy what you have before you. (And be as careful as possible!!)
I definitely think that I have been appreciating more each day my babies...even when Creighton is driving me nuts, I am thankful she's here with me and that she can cry!
I think it ironic...it is only because our God lost his child that we CAN be in a relationship with Him at all...so I know he knows the pain...
Yeah, what you are saying is true. Losing a child is the kind of suffering that is hard to even think about for a second. The only thing I know is that God gives grace for dealing with (and healing from!) that kind of loss to those who need it IN the moment they need it. I believe His grace is timely, so worrying about it beforehand is useless. Right now, He hasn't asked us to walk that road we're begging Him to let us avoid, so we don't yet have the grace for it really. Not sure if that makes sense, but it's a truth that comforts me. (Heb 4:16)
Just thought I'd comment on this one. (: Hannah is right. God hasn't given you the strength to handle losing a child because, you haven't needed it. I pray that you won't EVER.
I can tell you, in answer to your questions... "How do you breathe, How do you get up in the morning?" The answer is... YOU don't... God does. For those who don't have a faith to strengthen them, I don't know how they do it. Because without God, my breathing and getting up would have stopped long ago...
I do know this, there is actually joy on the other side. Only God can give me that.
Love you for caring too much!
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