Since we've been back from Haiti (and the kids have been back from a full week off schedule and spoiled at all 3 grandparents' houses) Jackson has had a rougher time that normal coming off what we typically consider "detox." He does have moments of really great things, so I don't want to say he's been completely terrible. But really, he's been defiant, deceptive, disobedient, and disrespectful more often than not. Today, particularly this evening, has been the worst so far.
So I got really head strong. I made some good parenting decisions and some really terrible ones. I am angry, hurt, sad, mad, frustrated and everything in between. I am exhausted emotionally. I feel a whole lot of mommy guilt on every level from how I behaved to how could I have let a little boy get to be 6 years old without an ounce of obedience/respect (at least the amount that a 6 yo should have).
Just being real here.
Parenting is not easy. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't take it lightly. I know that it is a HUGE responsibility but at the same time I do know that he (and all my children) are the Lords. I have prayed that I would be intentional with them and that I would be a good mommy....so I think now I am getting what I prayed for...opportunities to do do that...kinda ranking up there with praying for patience if you ask me ;)
Anyway, pray for Jackson, that the Lord would prod his heart. Pray for Jeff and I as we walk this road with him, with each other, and that we'd have godly wisdom, and just the exact formula of patience, grace, mercy and love that Jackson needs in order to come out of life with a pure and obedient heart and not in dire need of counseling!
I really want to do a good job. Not so I can say I did a good job and not so I can have a "perfect" child that does everything I say when I say it. I don't want that (although it'd be nice) but I want his heart to be pure and to be ready to obey the Lord. I want for him (and for all my kids) to not have to still be struggling as much as I do at 31 years old with the things I struggle with. I think that is the hardest part. I know myself and I know my pride and my arrogance and my list of issues...and it's like a picture perfect mirror starring back at me when I deal with my kids in their sins. I hate my sin. I hate that I still struggle with it and so I desperately want them not to have to either.
Jackson,
I love you honey with all of my heart. You have no idea how hard tonight was for me. I saw you pleading with me and saying so many things to ultimately try to make sure that I love you. I will never ever ever stop loving you. Not ever. No matter what you do or no matter what you say. I love you. End of story. There will never not be love for you from us. Ever. So, can you please stop trying to prove that wrong. It won't work. (And bonus: then there will be a lot of time for really fun and great things.) We discipline you because we love you. We want you to look like Christ. We want you to want to obey because you love us, not because of a reward, because that is what Christ wants of all of us. You are His and you are mine. I now, because of you and tonight, see so much more clearly now what He says in His Word. I understand more deeply His love, because of how I love you. (and knowing that doesn't come close to how much He loves you makes it that much cooler). I am sorry, too. I am sorry that sometimes I say and do things I wish I wouldn't have said/done. I am sorry that you are our guinea pig and we get to learn (sometimes the hard way) that things don't work. We love you and want the very best for you. We do everything out of love for you. Our intention is never to hurt you, although in disciplining you, I know it's painful, it's not to hurt you, but to make you learn. Learn to choose what is right, even though the world or friends or whatever tells you your selfish desires are okay to indulge. I am still learning these lessons with you. I am sorry for failing at being a mommy in so many moments (and I sincerely hope they don't scar you for life). But, it just is one more reason that you need to remember that Jesus is THE ONLY one that will not fail you. I will. And I hate that more than just about anything. But I do. You need Him Jax. You only need Him. Seek Him and you will find Him. I love you with all my heart.
PS. Just so you know. I didn't physically harm you in any way, nor did I emotionally abuse you. That is my disclaimer both for everyone reading this and for Jackson's counselor that I am assured he will need with a mom like me...
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After I finished up with the post, I went into Jackson's room and woke him up. Which might have been one of the more stupid things I've ever done, especially considering the details of the evening. But I am so thankful I did. He woke up and immediately (even in his dazed adn confused state) apologized and I had the opportunity to do the same. I told him I loved him and redid a few of the words I messed up earlier. I cuddled him and kissed him a million times back to sleep (I think he was asleep in about 2 seconds flat though). I have no idea if he'll remember in the morning, but I know I'll be able to sleep better and I feel much better and hoping that his dreams are more peaceful!
Whew, parenting is just rough some days. Hoping for a better tomorrow. Although still going to have to follow through from tonight with some unfun consequences. He doesn't handle these things well at all, so all prayers are appreciated!
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