Remembering Stacie.

Stacie passed away tonight at 7ish. It's been a long time coming. She's been sick for almost a year. She was in and out of consciousness the past week and on heavy morphine to keep her pain levels down. Now the family needs us more than ever...the job is now really just beginning.

I am sad but I don't think I have really wrapped my thoughts and emotions around it all yet. And then also, I hated it that she was just here suffering.

Cancer is not cool. It downright SUCKS. I hate cancer.

Zoe and Neala should not have to be without a mommy to care for them, nor Luke without a wife to love him. It just isn't 'right' no matter how you slice it.

I loved on my kids tonight. I told them how much I loved them and how special they were to me. I told them it was such an honor to be their mommy and that they mean the world to me. I hugged them, held them, kissed them, sang them to sleep. I couldn't imagine leaving them.

Stacie was a fighter. She held on long past when the doctors said she would be able to. She was a believer. Zoe went to school today knowing at some point, most likely today, she'd lose her mommy. She was at peace with her mommy going to heaven. She is a brave girl. She is a strong girl. Stacie left a legacy. She was a good mommy.

Thank you Stacie for fighting the good fight. Thank you for leaving a legacy for your girls. Thank you for uniting our community. For making us remember. For making us grateful in our circumstances. For your story.

Ps. they've asked that if you are inclined to help in any way that you make checks payable to Bank of Oklahoma (memo: Stacie Gudenkauf) in order to help Luke pay bills upon bills that have, are, and will keep coming.

The Funeral

Sorry I haven't written in quite some time. I just haven't either, had the time, or the desire. I really want to write about the funeral, but yet, I didn't at the same time. I think it will be good for me to write about it though. It was, overall, a really really great funeral (if they can be).

Over 500 people showed up for my Uncle's funeral. That was awesome. We got there incredibly early and I was with my family in the front row and so I didn't even notice that there were SO many people behind us until we all stood up to go out with the casket. It was nice that so many people were able to come. It was held on Good Friday. I think that was a good thing, symbolically...and because lots of people were already off from work. Being that he was in the wrecker service for as long as I can remember (at least 20 years, I think 28 if I remember correctly) he pretty much knew every wrecker in Houston. They all knew and respected (and maybe even loved) him and they all showed up!

One of the coolest parts of his funeral was his testimony. The pastor shared a little bit of it, but it seemed that the crowd spoke it without saying a word. Hearts were mourning, but also rejoicing. That was evident.

The music was fantastic (well, maybe with the exception of one song--however, because of its placement after a letter from my aunt (his wife), the song did well to hold us all together, instead of making the place continue to cry the river from the sweet letter). They sang Amazing Grace at the very beginning and I cried and cried throughout the whole thing...then at the end they sang 3 of his favorite praise and worship songs, and that was neat.

The actual service part was very cool, because along with his testimony, they shared the gospel and made it very apparent that it is exactly the way he would have wanted it. One thing that will always stick with me is he told the pastor that he "almost waited too long" to come to know Jesus and he is so thankful that he didn't. As much as anyone with 2 feet still standing on this earth can attest to it, the pastor said that he was certain of Bubba's eternal future and that he knew he knew the Savior. That was so neat!

With all the wrecker drivers there, you have to know that they ALL brought their own wreckers to the funeral and the procession to the grave site. That was by and large the neatest (and longest) processional I have ever seen for anyone. There were about 200 cars in the line and about 70-80 of them were wreckers---with LOTS of flashing lights. My uncle (and FBI agent) worked out his friends in the bureau to come and work the lights/intersections for us. There were about 20 or so of them and they did a really great job. They were on every corner and even every apartment entrance and such. They held off everyone from going or coming while we passed by. Thankfully we were only about a 5 minute drive to the cemetery.

The burial service was short and sweet. We let 47 balloons go (the age of my uncle when he died). That was a really cool sight to see. Because there was an airport close by my uncle said that he got word we had effected the tower/security --oops! Oh well. It was funny because 3 of the balloons stayed behind (got stuck in the trees) and everyone laughed because they said that was very typical of Bubba to try and stay around, and/or make everyone laugh one more time.

The funeral was really great. It was hard but it was good. I think I was pretty okay until I (every few minutes) stopped to put myself in the girls' shoes or thought of what it'd be like if it were my dad. Then I lost it, then I'd get myself composed and then that cycle would repeat. I tried my best to be comforting and encouraging to my mom, my grandma, and my aunts and uncle. Maybe that was more out of my need to do so than their need to receive it, but either way I hope they all felt loved.

Death certainly makes you think. It has affected me so much, and I think that is why I didn't want to type this up. I don't want to forget. I don't want to move on and not remember. I want to be different. I want to "live like I am dying." They of course played this song to a montage of photos and I heard it over and over and over again. He did it. He knew his time was coming a little more clearly than most of do (if we're to die of an accident or something) and yet, I don't think that is an excuse. He showed everyone he met the love of Christ. I want to do that, to be the hands and feet of Christ... In his death, his life was evident, his love was evident.

I don't even know if I know 500 people, but would all those I do come because I impacted their life, like he did all of south Houston? Thanks Uncle Bubba for showing us (me) how it is done.

Thanks for coming to know God, thanks for making sure, once you did, others did as well! See you someday, and yes, the work that you have done spoke for you! (his casket was stitched saying, "may the works that I have done speak for me")

The Viewing

My brother and I made it down to Texas this afternoon. It was a great opportunity to spend time with him...one on one, uninterrupted, face to face, heart to heart!

Today was the viewing of my uncle. It was so very hard for me to see his body...still, lifeless, breathless, motionless...so skinny and frail, so pale, so very unlike the picture I posted with his other post. It wasn't my Uncle Bubba at all...I could tell he wasn't there, not in that body. My aunt said he looked so much better (that they had done a wonderful wonderful job of preparing his body) than he did on Tuesday night. Everyone that was there on Tuesday as he passed said the same thing, that they made him look so much better. That was hard to hear because, man, it was just NOT what I expected. Death isn't pretty. It is hard. The body without the soul, its so...I don't know what the word is I want to put there...but its just hard.

All the tears and crying and hugging and crying and tears and ALL the emotions flowing were difficult, but good. It was truly amazing to see how many people showed up for his viewing, and I think tomorrow it will be packed. He touched so many lives. That is something I left out of the previous post about him. Even though he didn't know Christ in such a way till recently, he ALWAYS welcomed everyone with love and took everyone and anyone in to his home. They were so good about this. That is one thing I did remember and always know. They always brought "random" people to family events...I wish I would have learned sooner about that kind of hospitality and love...a love that I am not sure even he knew he knew how to do...until recently. That is one thing he is very good at! And so is his family still!

There were hundreds of people there and it lasted for over 3 hours. Then we all went to eat. It was good to see family and friends that we don't get the opportunity to see very often if ever. I saw some people I hadn't seen since I was very little and some I had never met before, but all blood in some way or another...that was neat. It was tiring, but very cool.

I heard lots of stories about me as a child which I find fascinating! I met my Papaw's siblings and they were a riot! I adore the elderly people...and I love hearing stories...especially when i am the subject! Some of these things I had heard and some of them not...I will cherish that!

Tomorrow is the funeral and it will be interesting. I will have to prepare myself for that. I know it will be very hard for so many people to say their final goodbyes. Seeing him, his body, is just very difficult for me...

Continue to pray for the family please because the time tomorrow will be especially hard for them. The littlest one is struggling. There are also some health concerns with my Aunt Trish which at a time like this is the worst thing everyone wants to hear. Hopefully it isn't too big a deal and is just stress related.

My Uncle Bubba

My mom is the oldest of 4 children. Her brother, whom I have only ever known as (Uncle) Bubba, passed away tonight. I have sat down and started several posts over the last few months about him, but for some reason I never was able to post them. I never even saved them. I just couldn't. I don't know why, but it just didn't feel right.

But, now, as I sit and (while listening to Monk and Neagle) write, my heart is still so heavy and I just really don't know what to write, but yet, know I must.

Tonight was Ladies Night Out. I got a phone call right before I was suppose to leave saying that the nurse didn't think he'd make it through the night. So, when I got a call from my dad in the middle of dinner, I was quite certain I knew the words he was about to say. As my eyes, for one of the first times in this whole crazy mess, welled with tears and they began to fall...I felt a lot pain, heartache, uneasy stomach, lost.

Let me give you some background: the story I have tried numerous times to write already. My uncle has (to be put nicely) not had the greatest life. Growing up he was in lots of trouble and didn't know, nor care to know, the Lord at all. He was nice, but really rough around the edges, if you will. He was a drinker, a smoker, a drug addict, a rebel, and for a living he was a wrecker-driver. If you know much about that profession, it can get a little crazy and wild...he fit right in! He was my family though and so, while we were very different, I've always loved him, but yet, been distant from him and his wife and daughters. We did the family things, but never spoke outside of that really (my mom did though).

Anyway, about a year and a half ago, he was diagnosed with lymphoma and wasn't given a good prognosis on life expectancy at all. He, however, proved to be a fighter...in a lot of ways. His wife (my aunt, Trish) was diagnosed with cancer of the liver within a few months of his diagnosis. Their lives were forever changed from that moment forward. Within in a few months, they were both given less than a year to live and in and out of treatments and the hospital constantly.

Somehow in all of that mess, they heard the sweet and tender voice of Christ. It is such a sweet miracle to our family that they have come to know the Lord, Savior, Healer and Comforter. His life was eternally changed from this point forward! That is the only thing I am clinging to right now. It makes it "okay," not less painful or sorrowful for anyone, but it helps me. His life has definitely affected others since his salvation. He began going to church regularly, he brought his family and they came to know Christ. (isn't that awesome?) I know that his story has been told and re-told. He did it. He lived and breathed the joy of the Lord even in the midst of his severe pain and trials. You could see it on his face. You could see how much "lighter" he was... That brought me to tears when I was visiting last...

It wasn't that long ago that we were joking and laughing and praising the Lord together in church. It wasn't that long ago...at all. Now, of course, I feel as if I missed my opportunity to finally get to know my uncle. I have been sheltered for so long from knowing anything really about them, and now I want to and can't. I have so many questions I would LOVE to ask him...all unanswered, unasked.

I have said all along that if he got cancer to meet Jesus then it was worth it...that is so easy to say from my healthy non-cancerous body I know, but man, in my selfishness, my immaturity, I wish that God would have just healed him then...not taken him. But what a better place to be than at the feet of Jesus and in no pain and no discomfort. I know that he wouldn't want to be back with us---because I know heaven is THAT wonderful. But that is still hard...and I know that has to be harder for those that are much closer to him than I was: his wife, my daughters, his granddaughter, my grandma, his siblings...and the list goes on!

Death is hard. It isn't ever easy for those of us left here.

I love my Uncle Bubba and I care so much about his hurting family. I hate it that they are hurting...so much! I hate it even more that only God and time can heal that and I can't--I am so a fixer...and I can't do anything about it, and that is hard.

I am not sure what the next few days hold, but I know at some point I am going to Houston to be there to support my mom and grandma and aunt and cousins...and of course all the other lives he touched. I am proud to call him brother in Christ...that alone at this moment brings the tears of joy.