I haven't blogged in a long time. It's weird. My days seem to just fill up and once I have a moment, like now, when all three kids are down, I am usually beyond exhausted and have nothing left to give...not even to blog. But I love writing and I love this blog. Especially since for my birthday Jeff printed all of the previous posts from the beginning 2006 all the way through 2009. I suspect that will be a VERY fun gift that I will receive excitedly every year.
This summer has been a long and hot one for sure. It's been full, it's been wild. It's been surreal and occasionally even like fantasy. There were many times in between where it was just down right not fun and very hard. But I am learning and growing as a wife, a mother, a disciple...and that's what it's all about, right?
Several weeks ago I blogged about Rebellion. Well it seems that the Lord wasn't finished in teaching me. But on the "today" side of the lesson I am actually very thankful for it. My walk will be different. The "yesterdays" side of the lessons were absolutely NOT fun and downright some of the hardest most frustrating times in my life.
Through my continued "desire" to rebel against the things I know to be right and true and good, even though I knew they were wrong and even though at the moment they were even "fun" and "adrenaline rushes" I didn't feel very much freedom that I assumed would come from these choices. I guess I had my season of sin, my little taste of what is perfectly PC and normal for someone who does NOT profess to believe in Jesus Christ. I never really thought about it through God's eyes until this week...
When God gives us children, it is certainly to continue training us to be more like Him. (at least that is what He uses) I get so many (mere) glimpses of what He must feel like with us as His children, with He as our Father. I am so thankful He is so much more patient, more loving, more everything than I am or ever will be. I fail my children so many thousand times a day, it's sad.
But back to where I was going...
God's desire is NOT to control us, like some so mistakenly think. His desire is for us to in love and reverence and awe to respond in obedience and to know His authority over us and yet His great LOVE for us. This wasn't nearly so clear to me before this week.
Creighton and Jackson have both been very disrespectful, disobedient, sassy, etc this past week. Even after disciplining them their actions were not corrected or even lessening. I was becoming weary, exhausted, down right angry and my patience was just depleted. I had several moments that I wish I could take back. After one particular instance with Creighton, which I dubbed a battle of the wills*, I was insanely infuriated and sad all at the same time.
*What her little three year old self doesn't realize, is my will is so much more, and my pride runs deeper yet than hers has had years, and when she puts up her fight, she will NOT win...and she didn't. Ummm...I guess there is still much work to be done on my pride issue :)
I felt as if my entire authority over my children was not respected in the slightest. I had lost it. I am not even sure how it happened or why, but it's what prompted the thoughts into my walk and how as a child of God I must make Him feel continuously, although by grace, much less than when I was younger.
I don't want my children to be robots. That would be horrible. I want them to learn to trust that I love them and am seeking their best with each and every decision I make, with every command I give. They are for their good, not to hurt them, or take away all their "fun." I want them to, out of love, be obedient, and out of love, have respect for me as their authority figure (when Jeff is not home). Just like Christ is in authority over me.
It made me realize that I must, because of my great love for Him, not because of lack of freedom to do so, choose to be reverent and obedient to Christ even in the little things that I was choosing to be rebellious in. I know that my children watch me, everything I do. I want them to see, even in the small things that I have integrity, and that I choose to be obedient because I want to please my Savior, because I love Him.
I hope that this is the last of my lessons in Rebellion and that miraculously I will also not have to have a week like this past one with my own children. But one day, I know these posts will be bound and when they come across this post, I hope they too, can identify with where their own hearts are in their walk with Christ. That they'd choose to be obedient to Him. I hope in our discipline of them that ultimately they'll learn to be obedient to Him.
God is good...