My heart feels heavy and my mind is scattered. I don't know why. I told Jeff yesterday that I feel like I am having a mid-life crisis. Something just doesn't seem right. I think it's in my heart, and that scares me a bit. I feel very rebellious with everything...and although rebellion is not a new thing for me to feel, I can't say I have ever felt it this way before. The good thing is we absolutely have NO money and so the normal things that most people do for their midlife crisi (is that seriously how you say plural crisis?) are not even remotely an option. So here I am. Feeling very unsettled and not a clue how to fix it.
I have been in the word and started a new program of reading through the bible in a year but its blended and so not in any chronological or cover to cover order....which I like. I just finished up Numbers and am in the middle of 1 Kings and Matthew at the same time. I think what I like most about this set up is that they try to link Old and New Testament books if possible. Not that while on earth Jesus was acting as King (though he was) it's neat to see the differences between Solomon and Jesus, David and Jesus, Moses and Jesus and also their similarities. I could only hope that if I were ever compared to Jesus that there would be some similarities. That is why I am struggling so much with this whole rebellion thing. I don't know how to help myself. Certainly my parents would say that I was rebellious since birth and yet my teachers in school would say I was the best "rule follower"...but I know that Christ knows my heart and that he would say I am rebellious.
The scary thing is...my middle child is JUST.LIKE.ME. She stands right where I do. I struggle each and every day with her and her rebellious nature. Yet, her teachers tell me she's an angel and very easy. Although if it had to be one way and not the other, I would choose for it to be me she is a pain for, I wish she were "the angel and easy" at home too! But ultimately I know in her heart, there is much rebellion, but she's too perfectionist oriented to let anyone but family know :) Oh the struggle between heart and soul, between sin and holiness between good and evil. I don't want 30 years from now for her to be where I am now and not know how to fix it.
But if I can't figure it out for myself, how in the world am I to help guide and train a 3 year old?
And, the Israelites were no different. They (mostly) never figured it out either. But, we have a Good God...and he forgives. But I still would love feedback if you have any.