My heart feels heavy and my mind is scattered. I don't know why. I told Jeff yesterday that I feel like I am having a mid-life crisis. Something just doesn't seem right. I think it's in my heart, and that scares me a bit. I feel very rebellious with everything...and although rebellion is not a new thing for me to feel, I can't say I have ever felt it this way before. The good thing is we absolutely have NO money and so the normal things that most people do for their midlife crisi (is that seriously how you say plural crisis?) are not even remotely an option. So here I am. Feeling very unsettled and not a clue how to fix it.
I have been in the word and started a new program of reading through the bible in a year but its blended and so not in any chronological or cover to cover order....which I like. I just finished up Numbers and am in the middle of 1 Kings and Matthew at the same time. I think what I like most about this set up is that they try to link Old and New Testament books if possible. Not that while on earth Jesus was acting as King (though he was) it's neat to see the differences between Solomon and Jesus, David and Jesus, Moses and Jesus and also their similarities. I could only hope that if I were ever compared to Jesus that there would be some similarities. That is why I am struggling so much with this whole rebellion thing. I don't know how to help myself. Certainly my parents would say that I was rebellious since birth and yet my teachers in school would say I was the best "rule follower"...but I know that Christ knows my heart and that he would say I am rebellious.
The scary thing is...my middle child is JUST.LIKE.ME. She stands right where I do. I struggle each and every day with her and her rebellious nature. Yet, her teachers tell me she's an angel and very easy. Although if it had to be one way and not the other, I would choose for it to be me she is a pain for, I wish she were "the angel and easy" at home too! But ultimately I know in her heart, there is much rebellion, but she's too perfectionist oriented to let anyone but family know :) Oh the struggle between heart and soul, between sin and holiness between good and evil. I don't want 30 years from now for her to be where I am now and not know how to fix it.
But if I can't figure it out for myself, how in the world am I to help guide and train a 3 year old?
And, the Israelites were no different. They (mostly) never figured it out either. But, we have a Good God...and he forgives. But I still would love feedback if you have any.
1 comment:
Oh friend, I appreciate you sharing your heart. On our own, we ALL have a nature opposed to God, so it's easy to relate to what you are saying. You explained the human nature really well! I think it's a very good thing that you recognize these things and are willing to face them, and I think that's the best first step possible. I'm finding that when I feel the most helpless, that makes me feel furthest from where God wants me to be. But that's not necessarily true. Helpless but turned towards him is the absolute BEST place to be! I'm starting to believe it has more to do with the orientation of my heart than any action. Keep leaning into HIM. Growth in the right action will follow that. (Notice I didn't say PERFECTION in right action.) Right now praying for your heart to be encouraged. It seems to me you're pressing into Him and His Word, and I really believe the only possible cure for this sin of ours is the power of the gospel in our lives every day. So when I'm struggling with not changing in an area that I know I should, I try to spend time dwelling and focusing on the cross and how it was designed to bring true transformation in me. Whenever I refocus on the HEART of the gospel, I always realize there's something wonderful about it that I've been forgetting to see. And it's the only thing that ever jump-starts real change in action. A favorite book of mine that portrays that gospel power and grace in such a beautiful, compelling, and fresh way is Prodigal God by Tim Keller. I think you'd like it. And I think that middle child of yours is quite blessed to be given you as a mom because she will have someone to teach her this victory - someone who's had to fight for it. Wouldn't that encourage and equip her so much more than not ever seeing the fight and the journey? And journeys take time. Change isn't usually that sudden. It's ok for her to see you wrestle with that for a while. You just want her to see you wrestling through it too - WITH the Lord. Which is exactly what I think she will see. =)
Sorry so long! You asked for thoughts. I tend to have a lot of them. =)
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