I have never claimed to be perfect, but that has never stopped me from trying to be. I swear I think "perfectionism" and "control freak" should be a medically defined illness when it gets to the lengths, depths and breadth of where I had no idea I was. I guess in my world I had become so accustomed to being in control that I had to be rocked in mighty ways to unravel the chains.
I am certain I am not out, and much like the dragon monster of addiction of any kind, I am certain I am not completely set free, as he would like nothing more than to entangle me once more.
Can you tell the Lord has been working mightily in my heart? Oh He has. It's been ugly. Just down right nasty at times, but He is Mighty and He didn't give up on me once, although I can't say the same about myself.
The crazy thing with me, is not only do I struggle with control and perfection, on the far other end of the spectrum there is a sad place (not that the other two aren't) called depression. Oh how I despise the chains there more than just about any others. I have found myself in the pit of despair and the chains of deep depression almost like some of the worst times in my life. All over my impatience and short sighted selfish plan.
I suppose if the house for some reason gets out of contract and doesn't close that might be the true test to how much He accomplished in me, not of His ability, but the lack of my learning my lesson, and lack of faith. But I am hoping that it doesn't, and if it does, I am hoping that I remember all of the ways in which He allowed deep refining, and the sweet promises He allowed me to hear, even though most of the time I wasn't listening.
Anyway, when I typed out 2 months it seemed odd, because in the midst of it, it truly felt like a year or so. I can't believe how crazy it sounds just to type it all out either. It seems so trivial and such a short amount of time, but when you are in it, it so doesn't matter.
It's not really that I want to air out all my laundry for the world, but I've never been one to be fake or non-transparent. I figure I learned so much in the past two months from others and so I should allow my story to be told just in case there is one person that might benefit.
One of the major visuals I received during the time of refining I am going to attempt to put in words. It was powerful...take it for what it's worth...
We were in the car. Charleigh hates the car with a fiery passion. I was probably at the rock bottom depression of the entire time, I was driving (all 5 of us), and I just didn't have it in me to respond in any way to her. So I just let her cry and scream. All the while the Lord was knocking. He was saying, "Courtney, that's you." I said sarcastically "thanks." But He prodded my heart with the following: At first I was like yeah, okay. I hear her, you hear me. I don't know what she wants and I can't do anything about it right now. So how is that the same. YOU KNOW Lord. You know what I want, you know my hearts desires. Oh yeah, and YOU CAN do something about it, but you just aren't, so how is this similar? Well, after I got more mad at how He was just calling me a baby (although I totally was being one), I kept listening, because He wasn't finished.
He continued with: Courtney, I do know the desires of your heart. And I am working on it, just like you are working on getting Charleigh home so she can get out of the car. That's what she wants, and you do know that.
And then, as if that wasn't enough...He said if Charleigh wanted to go in the street full of traffic and you stopped her, she might cry and throw a fit. You can hold her and tell her you love her best you can, but no matter what you aren't ever going to let her go in the street full of traffic. So even though you know what she wants and YOU CAN let her do that, you won't, because it's not what is best, or even good for her at the moment and maybe not ever. So, yes I know your heart, I love you, I am holding you, but I just can't do exactly what you think you want right this minute, but I will when I can, when it's perfect.
And HE DID.