My soul is at battle within itself today, well probably always, but today I feel it like the weight of the world.
I want to take pity on myself and just stay in the funk that has overtaken me.
I want to be selfish.
I want to be poor-me!
I wanted to blog about how my kids are horrible and I feel like the worst mother in the world.
I want to think my life is tough and my days are rough right now.
But the Truth is that my life is very blessed, abundantly blessed.
I know lots of biblical truths, and yet, what I want to focus on is all the bad--the things that aren't even true. But right now I feel overtaken by them. I feel like Satan has me in a choke hold. It's funny because of this battle I feel really weird. Like next to what it must feel like to be bipolar or something. I have this nagging negative feeling and then I feel the Holy Spirit convicting me the very next second.
I haven't yet decided who I will listen to today. I know who I should listen to. But I just don't know that I can yet. Why is that?
The scripture that keeps popping into my head is from Romans 7:15-25
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! "
I love Paul's writings. I seem to really connect with his personality in a lot of ways, oh but that I would connect all the more!
Anyway, I KNOW what he is talking about...the war waging with him is the same in me...right now. I love that he can so be where he is and give thanks to God and praise him. I want that. I really do.
I love that scripture is so great at grounding me. Like Ephesians 6 says, so I can stand. I hadn't gotten in the word today, and I already feel better.