Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Weary soul, I am

I am struggling big time. I have my "big girl panties" in a very tight wad right now.  I am in a funk and I can't seem to kick it...even though I am trying very hard.  I am tired and that is never a good combination with anything for me.  So the fact that I am insanely tired and struggling with insomnia during the most drastic change we've EVER made (at least in the past 8 years) is creating quite the stinky funk.  I know the Lord is dealing with me, and I do know He is being more patient with me than I am with Him.  I just don't get His plan and His timing. I know that's not a part of faith or trust and certainly was never promised to me in life.  Typically though I am pretty good at seeing things, at realizing the bigger picture involved, being discerning.  But not right now.  I can't see much past my own selfish desires and lack of faith and trust.  I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, give up, and make it all go away.  But I can't.  We're in it.  We've started.  It's hard.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I never imagined it being this hard.  I just knew that God would have all the details in line just the way I wanted and saw fit.  He didn't.  Not one.  It's not pretty. It's not tied in a cute bow with the perfect ending.  At least not yet.  And maybe not ever.  Why am I 30 and just figuring this out?  Why am I so selfish and completely the most impatient person on the face of the planet?  I don't know.

I don't have many answers most days.  I feel trapped in this in-between world between Bixby and Bartlesville.  I miss my husband. I am so silly for feeling this way I know because I KNOW that some people have terrible horrible situations that I can't fathom like death, war, divorce, etc and they never see theirs and I shouldn't complain. I know. But at the same time, I still miss him.  I feel far from him. I don't like being far away. I love him. I love doing ministry TOGETHER, not apart.  We can only do limited ministry at best from far away.

I have gotten to go on a few lunch dates with some Bixbians (is that a Bartian?) Anyway, those have been good, but only wet my taste and make me want it all the more.

Ugh. I am so in a funk that's its hard to not dwell on all the negatives.  I know there are positives. I do.  It's just hard to see them when you FEEL down.

I went house hunting on Tuesday in Bixby and fell in love.  They say you shouldn't do that. I now know why.  It sold that afternoon.  I was crushed and haven't fully recovered.  The house was perfect.  Literally perfect.  Part of me thinks well God has another in store that's better, but that's not a promise anywhere in the bible.  I am pretty sure it's called materialism on my part.

Prayers are appreciated.  Not really for blessing or for the house to sell but that the Lord would continue to work out in me all of my impurities.  That I'd stop being selfish and that I'd learn more and more what it looks like to look like Him. I am tired of looking like me. I am tired of sounding like me.

I was so frustrated with Creighton today because she was acting completely horrible, whining and pouting, talking like a baby, being unreasonable, unmanageable, irrational, and down right just was infuriating me at every turn.

Thanks for that one Lord.  So, I get it. That's how you see me...only you are patient even still with me.  I am humbled Lord. Thank you for showing me. I am sorry it took so long to figure it out.  Thanks for loving me through it. Help me to hear you better the first time and to obey.  Help me Lord. Use me and make me yours.  I don't get it. I don't understand.  But I do. I trust you.  I know you have a plan and I want THAT ONE, not mine.

Oh, I am so a mess.  He loves me anyway...

1 comment:

Pam Williams said...

I so get this, Courtney. Hang in there....the blessings to come and the work He is doing in you are well worth the wait! Much love and prayers...