Today I give myself the award : WORST MOTHER EVER!
The days are so long and hot. I am cranky and tired and wanting nothing more than time away, alone, to breathe.
My children, specifically Creighton, were created to be born to a mother who is a firm believer in Attachment Parenting. I, however, although am their mother, was NOT created to be that way. I don't think anything is necessarily wrong with that philosophy, but it just isn't for me. Maybe I am too selfish, I don't know. But it is not for me (as a whole). I just can't do it.
I have screamed--like not just raising my voice...but seriously, my-throat-hurts-from-it-scream. I don't know that the two of them could possibly make me more mad. You know what they want. Me! Why?! I don't know. I wouldn't want a mom who has no self-control, loses her temper and goes into screaming fits...but they do. They want me. They want me to hold them. She wants me to nurse her CONSTANTLY. They want me. All of me. More of me than I have to give. I am spent. Spent more than I can even express.
I try so hard. Yet, nothing. I am hopeless. Last night I finished my 90 Day study in 90 days. I spent some quality time with Jesus every single day for 90 days. It's been a long time since I have been that faithful. I expected to be so much more like Jesus. But you know what, I haven't looked so UN-like Him in a long time. It was a pride thing I think. To check it off the list. To get to the end of the 90 days IN 90 Days so I could say "I did this..." Well I did it and I haven't ever had a more ugly heart. That makes me sick.
My spirit is broken. (as well as my knuckles as I just beat the crud out of my door with my fist today...yes, really, I was that mad...and that out of control.) Thankfully I had the sanity of mind to walk away from my children and not beat them...although I certainly wanted to at the moment.
I love them. I do. With all that I am. But my all right now is just not enough. My house is clean, all the laundry is done and even put away, their rooms are spotless, the toy bins are organized...and on and on. But I want my old self back. The one where my house is a disaster and I have laundry up to my ceiling, and dishes as high in the sink, but that I SHOW my husband and children with voice, tone, words, and actions that I love them.
Who is this monster...? I don't want to be this person. I hate this part of me. Oh, how I hate it!
Lord Jesus, help me, as you are now. I know you are with me. I know you are here and that you are showing me that I can't be good enough, I can't do it all by myself, although I try and pretend to. I need you. I need you badly, in every way! I suck at this parenting thing, this wife thing, this earth thing. Lord, back in the depths of my heart and soul I long to be with you right now, forever, and I know that if you called me home right now, that you would welcome me, but Lord, I want to come to you with a clean heart, a pure heart, without all this yucky. Thank you for bringing me to my knees. Thank you for being patient with me when I haven't an ounce of patience within me. Thank you for loving me when I am so unloving. I deserve death, but you have given me life. Thank you sweet Jesus. Thank you. Lord, forgive me for my actions, my words, my thoughts, my tone, my heart, my sin that abounded from every inch of my body. Lord, thank you for your healing and your words to my heart as I sit with you. Thank you for longing for me, when I longed to be prideful. Lord help me not be prideful. Lord, thank you for the humility in this. Continue to humble me and break me, and make me more like you. Lord, even when I have to learn the hard way. Lord, please let my babies not remember their mommy like this. Lord help them to know a Mommy who loves them and cares for them more than words (like you do for us). Lord, help me. I have to have you or I will.not.make.it. Please. Give me grace and mercy.
Thank you Lord. Thank you friends.