Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Hoping for Scars

Okay. I am really not bipolar, although several of my posts might reveal a similar nature :)

I was reading over my post yesterday and today and dwelling on it, trying to decide if I was going to remove it or not. But the fact is it is humbling, which I need. It was/is raw footage of how I was in the moment. It was kind of like a live camera (or journal) as I was in the heat of it all.

But the funny (weird) thing is that my day yesterday wasn't all bad. Not at all actually. We had such a good day until nap time. It was just during nap time that everything exploded...and exponentially grew out of hand on the part of all three tired, hot and very cranky people. Me being the adult, should have responded better...lesson learned.

So I apologize for my previous entry, but I am going to leave it up. I also cringe every time water runs over my right hand because it is a vivid reminder of my lack of self control I had yesterday. As silly as it sounds being of "sound mind" that I actually attacked my door with my fist, and as bad as it stings when I touch it, water hits it, or sometimes just normal things, I almost wish it would scar and stay forever as a reminder of what I can become if I allow myself to lose. Lose sight of the cross. Lose self-control. Lose myself in emotion. Lose. Lose. Lose.

My husband took me on a date last night and that was very fun! It was refreshing. I read some neat passages in the Bible in the old and new Testaments and then I got some good rest last night.

Today has been radically different. Only on my part. Everyone else was the same. But the day was much better. :)

Thank you for all your prayers, encouragement, support, and for not calling DHS on me :)


Lu said...

Ha! Couldn't call DHS on you girl.... Your day yesterday was my day today!! We are all in this together... trying to raise these kiddos!

Dalene said...

I love your passion. It sounds to me like Jeff is a fabulous sounding board.

khowze said...

Hey, glad you were better today. It is amazing what some good time in scripture and good sleep can do for you. I am going to go try and get some of both of those antidotes for myself right now.

I'm with you on the fact that our kids basically throw the same challenges our way everyday, the difference is in how we handle it...and some days are better than others!

jeff said...

Thank you baby for being so incredible... Thank you for being so passionate... Thank you for being exactly the way God created you... Thank you for your love... Thank you for your transparency... Thank you for your heart... Thank you for your leadership to so many... Thank you for your encouragement... Thank you for saying 'Yes' over and over again... Thank you for supporting me in my minsitry and ours... Thank you for writing me nice notes... Thank you for thinking of me often... Thank you for being a wonderful mommy... Thank you for reading to our kids... Thank you for playing board game after board game, when they're not that fun at thier age... Thank you for playing in the mud... Thank you for playing on the trampoline... Thank you for bringing me dinner when I have to work through meals with the fam... Thank you for staying with me... Thank you for standing by me... Thank you for knowing my darkest secrets and not leaving... Thank you for letting me cry... Thank you for not letting me sulk... Thank you for blogging so often... Thank you for praying for me and our family... Thank you for reading your Bible for 91 straight days... Thank you for listening to me talk about work 'always'... Thank you for being you...


Anonymous said...

Not really sure what I can say that the other 3 didnt write above. And Jeff, WOW, what a husband.
Courtney, I just want you to know I love you and am always praying for you guys.
Miss you tons,

Shankle Life said...

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Two years ago I found myself asking the same questions, dealing with the same frustrations. What I thought was caused by my children, was in fact caused by me (over scheduling, unfocused priorities, unrealistic expectations, selfishness, pride etc.) I would wake up after a hard day and say “today will be different, Lord, just wait, I’m going to do XYZ to make sure things go well, I’m going to read my bible, I’m going to make a list, I’m going to get it right.” (The focus was on what I was going to do, not what the Lord would do through me). In fact, one morning we were getting ready for women’s bible study and the screaming banshee mommy came out of her closet to rain havoc on my family so that we could get to church on time. As I settled into my seat completely defeated, resolving to do more the next day, the speaker shared a precious message that I will never forget. I was going to try to paraphrase but THANK GOD FOR GOOGLE, because I found the transcript. (I would have butchered it!----take some time to read it when you have a chance!!!)

I hope it ministers to you as much as it did to me!

Marci said...

I have been thinking of you often this week after I read your post on Tuesday. I wasn't even able to respond to your first post because it expressed exactly the way I have been feeling this week. I had not an ounce of anything to even give to you at that moment- - -I was also at a HUGE low point.

There was one day this week that I know Jeff was worried about me because I think I said, "Jesus, please come back SOON!" like 10 times over the course of the day. That is what I crave- - -HEAVEN!!! But until then, we must keep pressing on, praying for one another and trusting in the Lord to cover the rest.

You are awesome and love your honesty- - -even when it is hard. It does help others who are struggling as well.

Becky said...

Sorry you've had some tough days this week. I know it's hard. Sorry I have not gotten your phone calls. I tried to call this morning with no success. Hope to hear from you soon.

Hannah E. said...

Courtney, I thought your prayer in the last post was beautiful. Of course we all have days when we feel the same way you did, and I too applaud your boldness in being so vulnerable. But reading your prayer reveals that your heart is in the right place exactly! You may not feel like that is true, but the truth is that there is no better place than brokenness and dependency on the Lord. He LOVES when we come to Him with nothingness, with just an openness for Him to live His life through us. He always responds to that! So I'm not surprised at all that this new post is what it is, that He is filling you up and giving you the strength and perspective to keep going on this mommy journey that we share in. You poured yourself out to Him, quite eloquently and beautifully by the way, and honestly, I needed the reminder that the best place to be is on my knees.

Completely unrelated....yes, the Lisa I talked about in my post is the one you met. Don't you want to live vicariously through my mentoring sessions?!! =) She's amazing.

Courtney said...

Thank you ALL so much for the sweet encouragement to me. I am doing better, by His grace. My time in the word has been sweet and free...He is so good to me.