Hoping for Scars

Okay. I am really not bipolar, although several of my posts might reveal a similar nature :)

I was reading over my post yesterday and today and dwelling on it, trying to decide if I was going to remove it or not. But the fact is it is humbling, which I need. It was/is raw footage of how I was in the moment. It was kind of like a live camera (or journal) as I was in the heat of it all.

But the funny (weird) thing is that my day yesterday wasn't all bad. Not at all actually. We had such a good day until nap time. It was just during nap time that everything exploded...and exponentially grew out of hand on the part of all three tired, hot and very cranky people. Me being the adult, should have responded better...lesson learned.

So I apologize for my previous entry, but I am going to leave it up. I also cringe every time water runs over my right hand because it is a vivid reminder of my lack of self control I had yesterday. As silly as it sounds being of "sound mind" that I actually attacked my door with my fist, and as bad as it stings when I touch it, water hits it, or sometimes just normal things, I almost wish it would scar and stay forever as a reminder of what I can become if I allow myself to lose. Lose sight of the cross. Lose self-control. Lose myself in emotion. Lose. Lose. Lose.

My husband took me on a date last night and that was very fun! It was refreshing. I read some neat passages in the Bible in the old and new Testaments and then I got some good rest last night.

Today has been radically different. Only on my part. Everyone else was the same. But the day was much better. :)

Thank you for all your prayers, encouragement, support, and for not calling DHS on me :)

The heart of a bad mommy day

Today I give myself the award : WORST MOTHER EVER!

The days are so long and hot. I am cranky and tired and wanting nothing more than time away, alone, to breathe.

My children, specifically Creighton, were created to be born to a mother who is a firm believer in Attachment Parenting. I, however, although am their mother, was NOT created to be that way. I don't think anything is necessarily wrong with that philosophy, but it just isn't for me. Maybe I am too selfish, I don't know. But it is not for me (as a whole). I just can't do it.

I have screamed--like not just raising my voice...but seriously, my-throat-hurts-from-it-scream. I don't know that the two of them could possibly make me more mad. You know what they want. Me! Why?! I don't know. I wouldn't want a mom who has no self-control, loses her temper and goes into screaming fits...but they do. They want me. They want me to hold them. She wants me to nurse her CONSTANTLY. They want me. All of me. More of me than I have to give. I am spent. Spent more than I can even express.

I try so hard. Yet, nothing. I am hopeless. Last night I finished my 90 Day study in 90 days. I spent some quality time with Jesus every single day for 90 days. It's been a long time since I have been that faithful. I expected to be so much more like Jesus. But you know what, I haven't looked so UN-like Him in a long time. It was a pride thing I think. To check it off the list. To get to the end of the 90 days IN 90 Days so I could say "I did this..." Well I did it and I haven't ever had a more ugly heart. That makes me sick.

My spirit is broken. (as well as my knuckles as I just beat the crud out of my door with my fist today...yes, really, I was that mad...and that out of control.) Thankfully I had the sanity of mind to walk away from my children and not beat them...although I certainly wanted to at the moment.

I love them. I do. With all that I am. But my all right now is just not enough. My house is clean, all the laundry is done and even put away, their rooms are spotless, the toy bins are organized...and on and on. But I want my old self back. The one where my house is a disaster and I have laundry up to my ceiling, and dishes as high in the sink, but that I SHOW my husband and children with voice, tone, words, and actions that I love them.

Who is this monster...? I don't want to be this person. I hate this part of me. Oh, how I hate it!

Lord Jesus, help me, as you are now. I know you are with me. I know you are here and that you are showing me that I can't be good enough, I can't do it all by myself, although I try and pretend to. I need you. I need you badly, in every way! I suck at this parenting thing, this wife thing, this earth thing. Lord, back in the depths of my heart and soul I long to be with you right now, forever, and I know that if you called me home right now, that you would welcome me, but Lord, I want to come to you with a clean heart, a pure heart, without all this yucky. Thank you for bringing me to my knees. Thank you for being patient with me when I haven't an ounce of patience within me. Thank you for loving me when I am so unloving. I deserve death, but you have given me life. Thank you sweet Jesus. Thank you. Lord, forgive me for my actions, my words, my thoughts, my tone, my heart, my sin that abounded from every inch of my body. Lord, thank you for your healing and your words to my heart as I sit with you. Thank you for longing for me, when I longed to be prideful. Lord help me not be prideful. Lord, thank you for the humility in this. Continue to humble me and break me, and make me more like you. Lord, even when I have to learn the hard way. Lord, please let my babies not remember their mommy like this. Lord help them to know a Mommy who loves them and cares for them more than words (like you do for us). Lord, help me. I have to have you or I will.not.make.it. Please. Give me grace and mercy.

Thank you Lord. Thank you friends.

Way Awesome Video...I am Yours

I love this song anyway...but now even more so. I needed to reminded today Whose I Am and I was on countless occasions...this being one. Had to share. Hope you enjoy it too.

PS. Please pray for my friend Christy and her family. Their littlest one was diagnosed with Juvenille Type 1 Diabetes. So terribly sad for them right now. He is only 7 months old. They are still in the hospital for a few days

It's a good thing...

...that I love my children more than they drive me nuts...folks, that is a lot of love!

...that Listerine is suppose to help keep bugs away, because Jackson spilled 1.5 Liters (a full bottle, brand new) on our carpet in a space the size of a large pizza. It took 5 big bath towels to soak it up...and now all of our towels and my washer smell like Listerine after 2 washes...

...that flies are attracted to feces or else I would have never found where Jackson pooped in the yard

...that my children slept so well last night and both took a little over two hour naps (at the same exact time) today or else, I might have gone crazy

...that Jeff and I don't have time to play games anymore, because our kids lost several pieces to games today as they rummaged and destroyed our game closet that has over 100 games in it.

...that tomorrow is Saturday and Daddy is home all day! ;)

Catching up

Monday and Tuesday were camps all day long. It was exhausting, but good I guess. I love the game of volleyball and I love hanging out with teens, but something about mixing the two doesn't quite equal the same (and especially not double the) love. Oh well. I made money and that is always good.

Tuesdsay night was Ladies Night Out and that was great. We stayed till a little after 11:30 and that was nice. I love connecting with young moms, older moms, and people I love and people I've never met. It is neat! So much fun...

Wednesday I had a meeting that lasted quite a while at the church and then I went did a few things till I had to get the kids. Jeff and I picked them up for their last day of school till mid-August. (bummer dude!) We played hard till time to go to church and got home late.

Thankfully they both slept till 9 this morning (well Creighton woke up at 4 and 7) but I didn't have to actually have to get up for the day till 9 either so that was nice. We threw on some clothes went to the donut shop, went to pick up Jeff from the church and we headed to Independence, Kansas to the water park.

We had so much fun. Before we could get in to the water park (didn't open till 1) we went to the park and the zoo on the same property. (both free of charge). It was great! The kids really liked the zoo a lot. It was very very hot today though! I was so thankful by the time 1 rolled around. We got in and the kids had a blast. I am only bummed because we forgot the camera! So no pictures.

They both jumped off the diving board WITHOUT floaties because they won't let you jump off with them. So that was scary, but not nearly as much as when Jackson climbed up the HIGH DIVE! I was freaking out. But thankfully the lifeguard said he couldn't go and he/we came down the ladder....whew. I think he would have majorly gotten hurt.

We didn't leave till 4:45 and they were asleep before we got out of the parking lot. They were wiped out! They slept the whole way home. It was nice. They were wired tonight and didn't eat a good dinner, but oh well. Hopefully they are so tired they'll sleep great tonight again.

I am so tired, but we are having a youth event tonight IN.MY.LIVING.ROOM! There are at least 20 people here and any other night I'd be fine with it, but tonight I am just too tired to be in there. And they are watching the DUMBEST movie of all time. It is called Hands on a Hard Body and it is a documentary about people in Texas trying to win a truck (hard body) by keeping their hands on it. Last one standing wins (like 3 days into the contest with no sleep) someone finally wins.....very silly.

That about does it to catch up. Glad to be back.

Out

Doing volleyball camps the beginning of this week out of town. Yee-haw. Makin' mula!

Be back just in time for Ladies Night Out...let me hear a WHOOP!!! WHOOP!!! I love it.

Inarticulate ramblings at 1:45 in the morning

Last night was just a bad night. Plain and simple. But today was much better. My day started very early with the birds chirping loudly and then a phone call from the A/C guy...followed by the A/C guy at my door at 8am. I was happy to have him fix the air, so I didn't care. We left and went to VBS although I was incredibly exhausted after no sleep. VBS is so exhausting. It is just crazy, but good at the same time. It's like the day is over and you never had time to barely do a thing other than work like a workhorse, and you're not sure where all the time went, or how you made it out alive, but it's done and it always a good feeling. Tomorrow is the last day. Hip Hip Hooray!

We went to see High School Musical tonight (put on my our wonderful Children's Musical program in Bville). I loved it, well mostly. There about a million sound and lighting errors and one of the lead roles wasn't casted correctly *(in my opinion) but other than that everyone else did a WONDERFUL job. It always impresses me how much time and effort and money goes into their productions each summer...

Anyway, my crazy husband and bunch of youth are going to see the 3am (yes, A.M.) showing of Batman tonight IN TULSA. So wow...yeah there just aren't words for that...there is nothing, short of Christ's return that would pull me out of bed at 3 am to drive to Tulsa. I think all of those crazies (yes, it is sold out) just paid to sleep in a loud dark theater...and then they'll all be on the road at 5am (get back at 6am) and be worthless the rest of the day. (as they all work...at VBS).

So so so glad to be sitting in an air-conditioned house. It makes my SCREAMING 20 month old much more tolerable. Yes, that is why I am up at 1:43 in the morning. She did this last night too. I am pretty much hating it. But at least I am cool. I think she is teething her final 4 (minus molars, unless they are coming in too) teeth. She is miserable.

I got bit by something on the face. I am not sure what on earth it was/is, but it hurts real bad and looks terrible. I am certain everyone that sees it will think Mt. Everest relocated itself in the form of my face tomorrow and mistaken it for the biggest zit of all time, but really, something like this would have festered for days to have been this big...and it happened in a moment. I think while all of our windows were opened last night...

Oh, man, I hear...silence. Finally. Just maybe, just maybe...I might get some rest...much needed rest...I can't wait. If only my body didn't have 5 glasses of McAlister's sweet tea in it, I am sure I'd be there in a flash...

One Hot Momma...

"ARRRRGGGGGG" in terms of our Pirates Who Don't Do Anything theme for VBS.

Tonight went from bad to worse quickly. Didn't get to go to Nikao tonight because we were preparing for tomorrow's craft in VBS and I had a counseling session with a youth that lasted 3 hours. I am just exhausted anyway, so it was just bad timing I guess. Not to mention my stomach is killing me because of some frozen dinner I ate. Creighton isn't feeling well I don't think. I get home and my house is 90 degrees! It is WAY cooler outside than inside because sometime while we were gone to church our AC stopped working (brand spanking new unit we just paid a heck of a lot of money for). Hottness! Have two grumpy kids because they too are exhausted beyond themselves.

Grumpy to begin with mommy + two grumpy kids in hot house=NOT GOOD. NOT GOOD AT ALL.

Jeff came home (when he was needing to be at work writing) and he was grumpy before he came home and now is even more grumpy than me...

The other day Jeff came home and said he'd heard the Trace Adkins song "One Hot Momma" and said (as a compliment) that I was one and that should be my song (I don't really know the words, so hopefully it isn't a bad song). Anyway, whatever he meant by it, I am tonight. Just a little different usage of the word HOT.

It's not fun here tonight...nope. Not one bit. My eyes and body hate me...I am going to TRY to go to sleep in the heat with the windows open...um...yeah...whatever.

Sorry for complaining. I am still blessed...just being "tested" of my joy in the trials...so far I get an F

Birthday Pics...

Finally got the pics from the Race Track where we went for my birthday! Yeah!!! Such fun times!

Kara C., Kara H., Grandma Maxie, Dad, Me, Hannah

Me whipping tail on the tracks!

Grandma, Dad, Me

Kara, Me and Bethani

Kara H., Brittany, Hannah, Me, Kara C.

VBS

VBS is this week and I will tell you something. It.is.wearing.me.OUT! I am exhausted. I know partially that has to do with the fact that I haven't been to bed before midnight (and sometimes 2 and 3 am) in the last two weeks. Having to be out the door before 9 is KILLER! Wow. It has given me some insight into what 2 years from now will be like when we HAVE to be at school by a certain time everyday...hmmm...

From Atop A Plastic Car...

So, yesterday Jackson and Creighton were climbing onto the plastic car (ahh, wasn't he so cute?)at my mom's in the backyard (he got it for his second birthday but we keep it at my mom and dad's house). Three stories from this experience. 2 funny. 1 not too funny...(well only kind of).

Jackson was standing on top of the car when two birds came zooming very fast by his head.
Me: Jackson, those birds about took your head off...
Jackson: [very saddened and confused (totally took it realistically)] Budt I wannt my head on me! Why day take it off?
Me, Mom, Jeff: [ROLLING LAUGHING] I didn't mean really I am sorry. They just flew really close to your head...that is all honey
Jackson: I weally wannt my head on. I don't want it off.

(well that's good, son)

A few minutes later....Jackson starts saying "shut" over and over loudly as Jeff is talking. I ask him what he is saying and finally he says loudly SHUT UP. I got onto him very sternly and spanked him. Then he said, "I want to open the door, not shut it! Can I say that?" I know he had no idea what that meant, but now he is afraid to say shut the door...so he just says OPEN the door even when he wants it shut....and I am pretty sure he'll never say Shut Up any time soon...:)

Anyway, the not so funny story is that Jackson started jumping off the car while Jeff was outside with them. Then Creighton decided the day after she was born she can do everything Jackson can do. She got up onto the top of it, jumped off and landed straight on her butt. She didn't even try to land on her feet. She nailed her tailbone hard. She has a huge bruise and cries every time she has a poop, or when I wipe her. But she sits fine in her chairs so I don't think she actually broke it...but wow...seriously, kid. Learn to put your feet down!

New Do!

I think I was going through a mid-life crisis---which means I might be dying early since I am only 28. But I have had long hair for the entirety of my life. I decided I needed something new. I didn't really know what I wanted. After I left the salon yesterday I may as well have looked like this:

But thankfully I looked like this instead this morning after I showered and actually "did" my hair. I like it now. Yesterday I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life (not really) in cutting my hair and I hated it. Today I feel revived and fun and in the words of Robin Holland "sassy"...

(yes, these are my new jeans I got for $22 from Banana Republic, and my new shoes I got for $10 to top of my "makeover". I was so proud of myself yesterday)
Now my brother can't say I have the most boring hair in the history of the world...

So yeah for new hair, new me!

Branson on the 4th

For the 4th my family took a vacation to Branson with my Mom and Dad, my brother and his girlfriend, the four of us, and our friend Taylor. We left on Wednesday and didn't come home till late on Saturday. It was great to be away. We stayed at this resort place in a condo with 2 kitchens, two bathrooms, two master bedrooms, two huge living rooms with pullouts and a big balcony. It was very nice. Here are some pics...we didn't take too many great ones, but it'll give an idea.

We played at the park while my parents were horn-swoggled into buying a time share. I am certainly not complaining as I get to partake in the benefits without the financial burden! :) We also played in the indoor and outdoor pools on the property. Creighton is absolutely fearless with the pool/water. She is just a natural. Or a fish. One of the two.

We went to Silver Dollar City ON JULY 4th. Not too smart if you don't want it to be crowded. But I guess all things considered it wasn't too bad. The last two hours it was opened weren't bad at all. I think everyone was racing back into town to eat/see a show/watch fireworks. We started off immediately with some rides. Jackson and Nonna riding one of the many many rides we rode that day. I love riding rides though. It was fun. I ran into someone I graduated HS with there with her 3 little girls. That was weird but fun.
This picture of Taylor and Creighton made me laugh. They are making the same silly face. Jeff and Taylor played with Creighton because she was too little to ride the rides. Although we did find two later in the day she could ride. She was not a happy camper that Bubba could ride and she couldn't. We get a little spoiled with Kiddie Park rides :)

We got to meet Curious George which was very fun for both kids. Creighton just calls him "munnnnkeeee" but she loves him all the same. Except she was very afraid of him until the end when she leaned over and kissed him unprovoked/solicited by anyone. Funny girl she is! Jackson was not afraid of him at all--was giving high-fives and kisses and hugs and all sorts the whole time.

Jeff and Jackson REALLY REALLY enjoyed this very fun place house full of flying (very soft) balls and guns (that shoot the balls) and climbing things and all sorts of fun activities to keep them occupied. Creighton decided she was hungry though so I nursed her while the boys were playing. One of the most exciting things (for Jackson and Creighton) was getting to Bob and Larry "Live"

Sweet girl in line...

We got to "meet" Bob and Larry after the show...

Jackson and I hula hooping! I still can do it...it's been a LONG time...wasn't certain. He got bored with that VERY fast. Shocked Jeff got a pic...and he got 2
If only I had a real one of these some days...JK

We rode the Ducks on one of the busiest days of the year! Those little quackers that they give you are so annoying but my kids ate them up. At least for the first 20 minutes of the dead stopped traffic. After that, everyone was HATING them...even the kids.

We sat in good 'ole Branson traffic forEVER in order to get to the actual "ride". It was awful. The driver said he thought that it was a record. I think because Branson's 2nd busiest time of the year is 4th of July and we tried to do it that day, it was inevitable...but still. It was just crazy HOW long it took. So, we tried to occupy the kids with lots of things including the camera and so we have 22 pictures of my dad with this same pose taken by Jackson :)

They let all the little kids drive the Duck once we are in the water (over an hour into the trip). Jackson was the first one up there. There were several kids on board but he wasn't afraid and led the pack. I think he was the youngest besides Creighton, too. Way to go Jax!

The girl canNOT stay awake in the car. As soon as we got through traffic she was OUT. She slept the ENTIRE time except when we headed back to the strip to get off the Ducks. So she only saw traffic and start stop the whole time. Oh well...

So we let her "drive" the Duck at the end of the trip...she wouldn't have known the difference one way or the other, but she felt special anyway.

My dad and Rae Rae. She loves taking boys' hats and putting them on her head!

After we left Branson we headed to the BOOMing metropolis of Lampe, Mo., where K-2, K-7 and K-West are. We saw lots of friends and had great conversations and then hit the road for home. It was a great trip. I was only sad because we didn't get a BIG family picture...not ONE.

Summertime

I feel so behind in the blogging world...well, not with reading, but with posting. I always get excited about summer coming so we can relax and breathe (another year down)...and EVERY summer while in the midst of it, I wonder why I was so excited about it. I think I am going to be able to relax and things will go slower than the normal pace. Well, the normal pace is off dramatically. In the other direction. Summer life around here is just insane.

Our house is like a revolving door with teens and interns and anyone and everyone else...I love it, but it is tiring. We have such late late nights like every.night.of.the.week. It just gets exhausting but we love it too much to stop. It's crazy like the time is running out and we see the end (of summer) so we press on and play hard.

Whew...breather. I love days like today. I had it packed to the brink with activities to do while the kids are in school. But its raining and gross out, so awesomely timed by God...He knew I needed a day inside to do things around here that desperately need to be done...and things that don't...like blog, relax, read. It feels good...

I do love the relationships that summer brings and when summer is over it is always sad because the interns go home, the kids start school and all their activities....and then things quiet down a bit...at least for a few days :)

Favorite Picture

Life is too crazy to blog...

Birthday Party Pictures

Jackson's 3rd Birthday Party~ Here is his cake. I decorated it myself...I thought I didn't do too bad...:)

The table...and pinata...that was fun. I highly recommend the pull strings pinata for younger kids' parties...

Here is one of the three mirrors he got from his Grammy and Pop. Jackson got lots of very fun presents. One of his favorites is his new digital camera/video recorder (v-tech). Thanks Grandma Debbie and Papa John!

Here is a picture of the fort that Jeff's dad and grandpa built for him when he was little. Jeff and a bunch of guys moved it to Bville from Enid that weekend. The kids LOVE it.

My sweet and happy guy with his cake.

Here are a few of his friends as they were eating some of the yummy cake!

Here is the trampoline that my parents got for him. They love love love it!

Here is my sweet baby girl and Hubby...