Monday, October 13, 2008

Tears, Fears, and Changes

I would like to ask for your prayer for our family this week, and possibly the few to come. I came to grips with the reality that my kids are growing up and are truly NOT babies anymore. I am tired. I am tired of nursing Creighton in the middle of the night and early in the morning and before nap and after nap and then telling her no constantly throughout the day. I am tired of trying to find Jackson's binky in the middle of the night, or constantly telling him to put it up when he goes to get it in the middle of day.

So, we are done. Starting today. With all of it. No more binky. No more breastfeeding.

I prayed all morning from 6am-8am about it. I told Creighton we weren't nursing this morning at 8:30 and then I got them ready for school, dropped them off...

and...

hit...

rock....

bottom...

I cried for 2 hours straight. Balled like a baby. As my eyes are welling up with tears as I type. I am scared to death. I am fearful. I am worried. I am tired. I am emotional. I am exhausted. I am just sort of freaking out on all levels.

I went to the doctor and got some meds just in case I have a mental breakdown. I talked to my OBGYN and Creighton's pediatrician. I called my dad (in Canada for 80 cents a minute). Then, I calmed down. At least a little.

I haven't a clue what this week is going to look like. I am very very fearful and anxious. But when I pick up the kids in 20 minutes, I am hoping they won't sense it. Creighton will want to nurse and I of course will probably want to nurse her. Jackson will be okay till tonight when he won't have his binky for the first time IN.HIS.LIFE (over 3 years people!). And then, yeah, Creighton, well, oh Lord, just pray for us all....

My heart is so sad. My emotions are raw. I feel like I need to do this but at the same time I am not sure I am ready and I don't think Creighton will ever be ready. The doctor (and my mom) assure me she will not be emotionally harmed for life, but something in me isn't so sure. I think that is the hardest part for me. Well, that and letting go of her babyness...my last baby. No more nursing, no more crib, no more baby.

Jeff reminded me that all I've wanted for the last 3 years is for my babies to grow up. Why did I think this? What is wrong with me? For all the times I wanted to rush it all away, and all the times I said this "isn't passing fast enough", it has. It's all passed way too fast. I miss them as babies already.

Oh my goodness what on earth am I doing? The worst thing I know would be to go through with this and then give up midweek. Am I traumatizing them? or just me? I can handle a week or so of hell if they are both okay afterwards.

But I am taking away the very things that comfort them most (at least tangible things). I feel awful. I feel sick. I have no idea if this is right...

8 comments:

Erin said...

Hello!

I'm the mommy of a 3 1/2 and almost 2 year old. That's a lot to take on! If you're feeling overwhelmed, you could try cutting out one thing this week and then work on the other thing the next week. Just a suggestion - I know that being a mom can be stressful. :)

Kipplyn said...

Sorry Courtney. I will pray for you. There isn't a positively right answer. Sometimes I wish all of our questions were right there in the Bible... How long should I nurse? How long should they have a pacifier? How many children should I have? Should I send them to school or keep them home? etc etc... I know the Holy Spirit guides each of us. You are seeking Him and He will help you through this. Praying for you!

Lu said...

I am so sorry you're going through all this. I will pray for you and your kids tonight as y'all start to start these changes. When I ween Grayson I might need lots of prayers!

Hannah E. said...

I'm praying for you, friend. I'll pray that God shows you how to comfort them in a different way. It seems to me that it's possible to replace those things with other forms of comfort...age-appropriate, spirit-led, scriptural, right-for-you-and-your-family forms of comfort. I know you are a brilliant mom who will know how to comfort her children in a different way this week...you're a natural at that. Don't believe otherwise.
And I'm going to call you this week.

khowze said...

So sorry that you are going through this. I am torn on whether you do both at the same time and get it over with or do one at a time. I think you might as well just have one hellish week with both and be done with it. Please believe your mom, Dr. and me when we say that your kids WILL be fine!! Those things they hold onto are just things that comfort them. They have a great mommy, daddy and God who can do much more for them and who love them so unconditionally that their security object/habit can and will be replaced by the love and comfort they will fine in you as parents and Jesus.
With that being said....this will be a hard week for you all. I will pray for you and then you can tell me all about it because Emma's getting ready to go cold turkey on her paci too!

Marci said...

Courtney,

I would diddo all of the above. If you are ready to be done with all of these things, then your children will be fine. Children are resilient. I am sure this will be much harder on you than it will be them.

As far as being sad about it being your last baby. . .try not to think of it that way. You may think it is your last now, but you are so young and have a long life ahead of you and if someday down the road you are sad and want another baby, you CAN have another. You may think I am crazy for even suggesting it, but you will be amazed how much your perspective will change in a few years. I am not saying you SHOULD have more, but the option is always there - - -unless there is something medically I am unaware of.

I will pray for you this week and pray for the kids to handle it well. Stay strong!

Becky said...

I was thinking the same thing as Marci! You never know if God is going to change your heart on certain things - including the number of children. And just for your emotional state, it might be easier not to think of Creighton as your last.

It's hard not to rush through life - for positive reasons and negative. You are excited for the next step or just can't wait for this particular phase to end. Even having so many kids and pretty spread out, it is hard to savor the moment. But I try. Each age has positives and negatives. In each stage, it is incredible to watch how God molds your children. The next stage will be as incredible as the one you are finishing!!! I'm saying some prayers for you!

Courtney said...

Thank you to all of you who have prayed and given encouragment...I so feel it. I need it still!