Have you ever been blinded to something so ugly within yourself for so long that when the good Lord finally gets a good enough hit over the top of your head and you realize it, it just makes you sick?
Man, I have realized this week so much about myself, my true, inner self. The one that is only allowed up for air every now and then. Goodness, I now know why. I am ugly. Not the physically ugly type, although that is up for debate after wasting an hour of my time watching "What Not To Wear" on TLC.
Anyway, back to my main point. I just thought I had my "issues" figured out, resolved, lesson-learned-moved-on-kind-of-thing. I must have taken 102 steps backwards this week if that were the case (which I know it isn't).
I am pathetic. It's really sad. I still can't figure out exactly why, but both of my reasons it might be are bad, so it doesn't matter: Pride or Fear of failure.
I am a HORRIBLE loser. I hate losing and I've always known this, but I really thought I had gotten better about it all. I haven't. I am scared to do things I know I won't be good at. I don't do things I know I am terrible at. I cannot.stand.it. when I get beat by someone I think I might be able to beat. I am a perfectionist, but grossly so. I stick to what I am comfortable at doing and what I know and I rarely branch out of that.
Well this week I did. I played in a racquetball tournament and I don't know how to play racquetball. I am athletic for sure and quick and so it appears that I know how to play for those two reasons. So I get matched up with this chick who is really good and she destroyed me and made me feel stupid at the same time (and I hate that). Then I played another GUY who is a million times better than me and he annihilated me....really. And then, I played a grandma...and she beat me (just barely, but still she won!) I was SO angry. I mean really angry. Then I was even MORE angry at how I was responding...I was terrible. I am highly embarrassed to even be typing this, but I figure I might as well ask for prayer and help.
I feel like I am in an AA meeting or something. Hi, I am Courtney and I am a sore loser. I have been anger free for only 2 days....:)
Anyway, so there it is. Me in all my ugliness. It's just gross. I hate it. So it's like a double whammy because I don't like failing and here I am in failing in my failure! OH,...