Friday, November 21, 2008

Double Whammy

Have you ever been blinded to something so ugly within yourself for so long that when the good Lord finally gets a good enough hit over the top of your head and you realize it, it just makes you sick?

Man, I have realized this week so much about myself, my true, inner self. The one that is only allowed up for air every now and then. Goodness, I now know why. I am ugly. Not the physically ugly type, although that is up for debate after wasting an hour of my time watching "What Not To Wear" on TLC.

Anyway, back to my main point. I just thought I had my "issues" figured out, resolved, lesson-learned-moved-on-kind-of-thing. I must have taken 102 steps backwards this week if that were the case (which I know it isn't).

I am pathetic. It's really sad. I still can't figure out exactly why, but both of my reasons it might be are bad, so it doesn't matter: Pride or Fear of failure.

I am a HORRIBLE loser. I hate losing and I've always known this, but I really thought I had gotten better about it all. I haven't. I am scared to do things I know I won't be good at. I don't do things I know I am terrible at. I when I get beat by someone I think I might be able to beat. I am a perfectionist, but grossly so. I stick to what I am comfortable at doing and what I know and I rarely branch out of that.

Well this week I did. I played in a racquetball tournament and I don't know how to play racquetball. I am athletic for sure and quick and so it appears that I know how to play for those two reasons. So I get matched up with this chick who is really good and she destroyed me and made me feel stupid at the same time (and I hate that). Then I played another GUY who is a million times better than me and he annihilated me....really. And then, I played a grandma...and she beat me (just barely, but still she won!) I was SO angry. I mean really angry. Then I was even MORE angry at how I was responding...I was terrible. I am highly embarrassed to even be typing this, but I figure I might as well ask for prayer and help.

I feel like I am in an AA meeting or something. Hi, I am Courtney and I am a sore loser. I have been anger free for only 2 days....:)

Anyway, so there it is. Me in all my ugliness. It's just gross. I hate it. So it's like a double whammy because I don't like failing and here I am in failing in my failure! OH,...


Becky said...

I'm sorry! I will definitely be praying for this issue for you! Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable.

Henks said...

Courtney, I am right there with you. Basketball brings out the "Scary Rachel" that I wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley. Here in Japan, playing on my team where the opponent can't understand my English, has not been good for my "Scary Rachel's" "competitive mouth." We'll just leave at that. God will help us! Oh, and I'm really confused. I checked your blog like, yesterday, and a couple times before, and it was always on May's blogs. And then when I went to it today....there were all these new entries! It's like early Christmas. So, I have a lot of catching up to do. My stupid computer.....Oh, and the latest blog I wrote was b/c of your nice comment. Thanks, I really appreciated it! Aaaaannnnnd, just to let you know, since you mentioned it, and pretty much no one else knows....I didn't renew my contract so my plan is to come back next April! That'll be a whole new blog coming at a later time. Bye for now! Henks

Kathryn said...

I am right there with you too...our competitive nature serves us well in most situations--it drives us to be better people, but I agree that sometimes it can be ugly.

My biggest weakness right now--my constant need for makes me insecure and needy and ridculously stressed because I want everything to be perfect.

Upside--God can fix us!