Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Spent. Spending.

It's funny. The last three days my "day" part of the day has been amazing. I have been spending lots of time with my kids and loving it. I spent some time reading (okay a LOT of time reading. I finished the book "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd that I started briefly at the Women's Retreat. I finished it this morning.) I LOVED the weather on Tuesday morning/afternoon, not so much the evening tornado...but hey, who's saying anything about the evenings yet. I took my kids to the zoo today and although it was completely gross outside and freezing, we had a blast..and were the ONLY ones crazy enough to be there except for one other lone little family, who were not English speaking.

And yet, my evening, all of the past three have just been nuts. I think I am spending so much more of my emotional and physical energy with the kids than I have in the past that after about 4, I am just spent. It's awful to think of it that way. I am just exhausted though. I know I haven't been going to bed a decent hour though too, so partly it is that, but wow. I mean...from tornado/storm weather to stress galore with youth/church stuff to wild banshee children (it's like after 4 they feel the same way I do :)) I am just beside myself with how I am going to handle it each and every day. I am wiped out. Spent.

It's good though. I guess. This morning I couldn't take my eyes off my daughter. Seriously. It was crazy. I have always thought she was beautiful, but in a motherly bias sorta way. Today, there was no doubt on earth that she was beaming the Savior's image, her beauty was stunning me to silence and pure awe. I think it's because I have been spending more time with her, knowing her, loving her. I just was soaking it all in. She's gorgeous. She is becoming her own. She is growing up before my very eyes. And I love her. And I know she is gorgeous.

I just hope that we can train her up right. For the time being, I feel as if we've failed her in a lot of ways. She can be downright mean for no reason and sassy and as hardheaded as they could possibly come. She will be a leader one day, no doubt. I just want her to lead the right way, to the right thing. I'm not gonna lie, I am a little scared at this point. It is the hardest thing in the world to get her to do anything that isn't on her time, her thought, her schedule. I am so out of ideas with her. Thank goodness I am not in control. But at the same time I know I do have the responsibility of training her up and guiding her in a direction we feel is right. I MUST get on my knees more often for her. It'll take a miracle! :) But dang, watch out...either way...she's a furious storm, a tornado in her own, a NATURAL disaster WONDER. And she's temporarily mine...:)


jeff said...

she's all you!!!
Her looks & her determination!!!

Love love love

Hannah E. said...

I, too, feel drained by evening time when I spend the day being productive and energetic. And that's right when I don't want to just crash, since that's the time I have to spend with my husband. I want that time to be more quality. So I hear ya. Similar feelings are what have brought on my coffee addiction. Not that I recommend that...