Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Tailspin to Peace in two words...

I don't usually do this, but today I felt I should for one reason or another...if for noone else, to document for myself in 2 places because I felt it was a huge revelation for myself. If you benefit in some way, that is even more awesome. Here is my journal entry (word for word) from this morning where I stored away in a hole alone in the library.

I've been distant with my God, my family, and even myself. I don't know exactly how I got to this point, but I am here. I'm deep in the depths of depression, sin, anger, bitterness & lots of darkness. It is evident on my face now I'm sure because people are starting to ask. I hate it that I am prone to coming to this dark hole, but reality is (for me) that I am. So, I have to work extra hard not to allow myself to get to this point. The good news is I have a sweet God who only allows me to stay here long enough to know I want out. Revelation 3:20 says "Behold, I stand at the door and knock..." He is here and is knocking. How sweet of Him! Oh how to open the door? I know but I don't. I feel like Paul when he says in Romans 7,

15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Maybe why I can relate to Paul so well is his scattered and hard to comprehend thoughts on what he does versus should be doing. At the very most I have been going through the motions of life. And I am so sorry to my family for this most because I know they've suffered becaues of it. My kids have been acting out horribly and my hubby got the worst migraine of his life and is feeling stressed. I feel depressed and stressed and I haven't been taking care (at least not good care) of anyone.

I have a full pate and the calendar before me beginning this weekend is enough to make a fish seasick. But, I am feeling a little more grounded now, instead of in the complete tailspin I was in a few short minutes ago. Its' funny what scripture (and Jesus) does to a person. God is good. All of my issues are certainly not solved, but I know in the moment that it's okay. Do I sound bi-polar? I feel like it sometimes. I think that is just the power of God to be able to take me out of something so deep so quickly.

It's neat that it took me two weeks to get there and two words "come in" to get out! Thank you Lord Jesus.

Things to pray for:
-officially going to wean Creighton (she turns 18 months on Saturday)
-intentional discipline/parenting of my heathen children
-daily be in the word and prayer
-finish strong
-get some sleep!

Anyway, my thoughts are so scattered I know. But it was a complete turn around for me this morning. I MADE myself go to the library. I MADE myself pray. I MADE myself journal. And then I got in the word...willingly! I spent almost 2 hours there. It was a sweet time. I feel much better and nothing has changed but my heart. Everything that I have on my plate still exists, but God took my burden. I love that.

Thanks friends for your encouragement and love (and prayers) throughout this time. I am sorry I have been distant and cranky.


Maria said...

Oh Sister, I feel your pain...and glory. I had my own complete breakdown this weekend. I even sat in church crying trying to figure out how I can honor the intent of the Sabbath in the midst of my chaotic life. My saving grace? What has brought me my current peace and lightened my load? Him. "He MAKES me lie down in green pastures...He restores my soul..." Really, all of Psalm 23 has been keeping me going for over a month. You are not alone. Hugs from Tulsa.

jeff said...

I put this past weeks message in your 'court's style' folder for your ipod... Rod specifically spoke on Paul and finding hope in life!! You had to work at the children's desk... What's better is that I'm typing this instead of telling you and you're right behind me :)

With all the love I have!!

Courtney said...

Thanks Maria...and thanks Jeff too! I appreciate the support I feel and know I have from friends and family. I wish that I didn't struggle with depression, but I just do. I know how to maintain it if I will be consistent in my quiet times and making sure I am in prayer...when I lack in those areas it begins and I sink further and is an awful cycle.

Hannah E. said...

You're so wise in your insight about this struggle. I certainly go through seasons of depression too, and I agree with you on the best way to live while in one of those valleys. Thanks to Him, we can actually LIVE in the valley...even when circumstances don't change. Even when emotions don't immediately change. So keep staying in the Word, and tell me to do that when I go through the yuckiness too.
Love you, friend. Sorry you're dealing with this right now, but I know people are blessed by hearing you share your struggle....that's because your JOY (different from happiness but much better) is coming through.

khowze said...

I am so glad you committed to that time in the word today and you were blessed. I am sorry you have been in a pit...and I have been on such a rollercoaster of emotions lately that I didn't even notice. So sorry! I guess that happens when we lose touch for a couple of weeks. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I hope we can catch up soon.

Marci said...

Thanks for your openness and transparency. I think we all go through a bit of this on one level or another. I have been feeling it a bit lately too. Life can be overwhelming at times. If it weren't for knowing the WHY we are doing it- - -all for God's glory- - -then it would drive me into a PIT of darkness!

I will be praying for you and for all of us mommies who are in the trenches of tough motherhood. It is unequivocally the HARDEST job we will EVER do!

Love ya,

Dalene said...

Dear Sweet Courtney...

Your transparency is powerful, because I know many women struggle in this area, but it's just hard to talk about. We need to hear from others who go down that road. I think depression is a terrible deal, because we get depressed, and then we feel guilty for being depressed. Been there. You are wise to turn to the Lord, and Romans 7 is such a great passage to be turning to. God is good, and I love to see Him giving you peace in the storm. Grace and Blessings...

Courtney said...

Thank you so much friends! I really really appreciate your encouragement and sweet comments. I know (or at least I think) that most all moms probably feel this way at times and it is NO fun.

Thanks for being the torches at meeting places in our journey of life. I so appreciate all of you so much more than you know.

I learn so much from you all. I value your friendships however close or not we are. I look up to you all in many ways and really thank Jesus for the blessings that you all are to me (and my family)!

Christy said...

Hi Courtney. Sorry I'm late to the discussion. I read your post and had to run out the door and I had so much I wanted to say. I'm with everybody here. Many struggle with this very thing. I have been there. It is SO hard. I think the worst part is looking back, realizing how bad it's been and how much better it should have been for your kids. I have learned that even on the picture perfect days, God's amazing grace still needs to cover me. Thankfully, I know that, my kids will be who they are because God has provided what they need and did it all in spite of me! I just try to stay on my knees. I know you will do that and already do that, so don't let guilt or fear drag you down further. HE is more than enough!! Love you.

Casey said...

just chiming it to say "me too!". The pit is not a fun place to be, but what a sweet God we serve that all we have to do is call out to Him, and He's there to pull us up. And while it's not fun in the midst of the struggle, to look back and see His faithfulness and provision is awesome! Know you are NOT alone!!