This morning at church they did the candle lighting early in the service before the sermon. I was kind of finding my seat (late), and getting situated and not focused yet in my worship at all (still people watching and reading the update). Anyway, as I realized what they were doing, I stopped and looked and up at the alter I saw it, one red candle...then as I had spotted that one, I saw a whole family (mom, dad, 2 kids) coming up with a red candle together. It was awesome. I cried happy and joyful tears...the feeling was great...and I thought to myself, "THIS will NEVER get old..." it was just good...a feel good, is good, good.
However, like merely 5 seconds later, they popped a picture of Peggy Pruitt on the big screen. (She was an incredible lady within our church who has been struggling with breast cancer for a long time and here just recently had taken a major turn for the worse. I knew she'd been in the hospital for these past 2 weeks or so and that here recently they'd only given her a few days to live.) I knew immediately why, but was so confused that I hadn't known ahead of time (that is one of the privileges of being a minister's wife is that you find things out earlier than the entire congregation). I was immediately just heartbroken for Randy, her husband, and just for the death of someone. I know I have mentioned on here before that I dont' handle death well, and I still don't...but it got me thinking, that I really have been in such a valley that my compassion for otehrs was at an all time low, or really non-existent. When things would happen around the world and be reported on the news, I wouldn't even skip a beat. It was as if I didn't care because it didn't effect me personally or directly. Now that I am back where I should be and my heart is un-hardened...it hurts. Being compassionate hurts. I don't (certainly) want to go back to my hard-heart, but man, I have forgotten what it feels like to hurt for people (other than myself...I have gotten too good at that)....the pain I feel is immense. I try to put myself in the people's shoes and I can't wrap my heart and head around the amount of pain I imagine them to be feeling. Hurts isn't a strong enough word. I don't knwo what I'd do if I lost my spouse...Do you feel anything for the pain has to be SO intense. Oh, I am just in shambles right now inside...I don't do this thing well. Are we even suppose to? Peggy was an amazing rock and woman of God...(I really didn't know her personally) but you could tell and that is what everyone always said and says about her. She radiated the Lord's love and served always...even through her pain and cancer and treatment and all of that...she served...and with a smile.
I think the only thing that got me through it enough to be able to walk out of the service without melting into a puddle of tears, was that there were red candles...people to take the torch from Peggy. She would want it that way...she would want the praise team to SING louder and longer, not stop for her. She wants more red candles...people to live a life worthy of the calling, just like she did. To live strong till the last breath...just. like. she. did.
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