Monday, February 19, 2007

rambling on and on

Jeff left tonight for school this week. I am very sad. I haven't really figured out why I have this horrid sense of "I can't do it without help," but I do. I have been thinking about it all day and really often lately why I believe that I am helpless and a failure at this mommy thing. I am a good mom! I know that I am...I can say it, and I am pretty sure I believe it...but deep down in my heart of hearts, I am so fearful of failing at it...and this is pretty big to fail at. I feel that my perfectionism type A personality is strangling me in this. I know that I can do this on my own if I had/have to, but I don't want to and so every time Jeff leaves or whatever I freak out. I don't even think this blog is making any sense, because my thoughts are so jumbled this way and that...I feel as if I am trying to convince myself that I am a good mom so that I will be "okay" during this time. ughghh....nevermind....I am sounding ridiculious now....I think I have just allowed Satan to have a foothold here in my life and convince me that I am less than and inferior and helpless and I need to give that to God I know. It is scary though....

Anyway, those are my crazy thoughts that are all consuming at the moment, but I will blog for a few seconds more ( I am tired and finally got Rae to sleep) but I wanted to blog.

Jeff and I were suppose to go to small group last night and we ended up not but we had sucha great excuse...our small group is discussing a book on marriage and I wanted to go because we haven't been yet and they are on like chapter 7 or something. I haven't read one word of the book and quite frankly I don't even know the title or where the book even is...but anyway, back to my point..we finally got to talk deeply about our marriage and really spend some quality time together that hasn't happened is SO long. It was really a sweet adn special time for us and I am so thankful (yesterdays thankful) for that time with him and the memories we made together and the deposits we made in the bank account of our marriage.

Jackson and Creighton are doing well and thankfully are feeling much better. My motherinlaw (jeff's step mom ) was suppose to come help me this week while JEff was gone but she has bronchitis ( i am so bummed) and so now she can't come. But on the good end of things, Jeff thinks that class is cancelled on the last day and so he'll be home a day early...great news there!

I just talked to jeff and he made it to Missouri fine! Iam thankful for his safety and his dedication to get this Masters done! He is such a great guy!

Tomorrow is bible study and I missed last week but I am excited to go this week! I actually am caught up on ALL of my homework too! thank you to those who prayed (and please continue)

I am thankful for my sweet babies....they make me laugh, cry, smile, and every emotion...they keep me going and without them I am not myself...

3 comments:

khowze said...

Hey...I am so sorry you feel that way. Rest assured you are a great mom from my perspective. Anyway, I know what you mean about fear of failure. I obsess about everything in the parenting arena...if Mike and I argue in front of them I think they will be doomed to a horrible marriage, if Mike doesn't spend time with them I think they will be pregnant at 16, if I don't spend time with them, I just feel guilty!! It goes on and on.....but we can't dwell on the things that we do wrong, because we are doing so much right!!

Anonymous said...

Ah, Court....welcome to my world! (The traveling husband and all.)If it's any consolation, I was just thinking tonight about how I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through this week and next week without Stephen and I only have Tyler the cat to worry about! :) (Random prayer request...I am trying to find a last minute ticket to Miami this weekend so that I can meet up with Stephen and some co-workers. Otherwise we have to go NINE days without seeing each other!!)

But back to you...I think that you can look at this week as a challenge. A chance to face your fears and prove that you and God can handle this together--even though you prefer not to. Also, again, you are a FANTASTIC mom. I think it's easy to get caught up trying to be the perfect mom but that's not what your kids need or want. They want a mom like you: one who gives her time, her love, her laughter, HERSELF to them every single day. You're doing a great job. Don't ever doubt that.

I'll be praying extra for you this week! :)

Maria said...

I think all moms (well, most moms anyway) worry about being a good mom, because we all want our kids to turn out great, and it is a big task! I think it is even more daunting because the results are on display for the entire world to see!